Christmas Music: The Solution

by Henry on December 15, 2006

We’ve posted before here about the horridness of Christmas Music. Ian McDonald has the antidote.

captainlucy makes the blinding discovery that Christmas muzak can be made bearable by inserting the word ‘Sex’ for ‘Christmas’.

‘I wish it could be sex everyday…’ etc etc.

It can also be made deeply disturbing, vide the first line from ‘Do they know it’s Christmas…

{ 15 comments }

1

Maurice Meilleur 12.15.06 at 2:23 pm

But, then, wouldn’t sex only come once a year? Jeers to that.

2

A-ro 12.15.06 at 3:23 pm

But, then, wouldn’t sex only come once a year?”

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

3

JR 12.15.06 at 3:41 pm

I’m Jewish and I like Christmas music. I remember my dad (dead three years now) driving home from the school Christmas concert- public schools had Christmas in those days- and singing, as the car swung through the dark streets and the wipers swished on the windshield, “Glor-o-o-o-o-ria!” — which happens to be my mother’s name.

4

Uncle Kvetch 12.15.06 at 3:56 pm

Just leave the Kinks out of it. “Father Sex, give us some money” is wrong on so many levels that it makes me dizzy.

5

Mo MacArbie 12.15.06 at 5:00 pm

O Sex Tree..

6

Maurice Meilleur 12.15.06 at 5:01 pm

Touché, a-ro.

Things get more bizarre and disturbing if you expand the treatment to movies: The Sex that Almost Wasn’t, National Lampoon’s Sex Vacation, Sex with the Kranks, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Sex ; A Child’s Sex in Wales, How the Grinch Stole Sex.

7

Maurice Meilleur 12.15.06 at 5:05 pm

Ooh, or John and Yoko: “So this is sex, . . .”

8

Barry 12.15.06 at 11:34 pm

All I want for thex is my two fwont teeth, my two fwont teeth……

9

bad Jim 12.15.06 at 11:38 pm

“I’m dreaming of a white sex”? Hmm.

The real problem is that it doesn’t scan. “Christmas” is a trochee and needs to be replaced by one. “O fucking tree” is better.

10

Adam Kotsko 12.16.06 at 10:59 am

Orgy also works.

11

Matt Weiner 12.16.06 at 3:32 pm

Sex with the Kranks was based on a novel called Skipping Sex, wasn’t it?

12

sage 12.16.06 at 6:13 pm

The Nightmare Before Sex. Yeesh.

13

Jacob Christensen 12.16.06 at 8:02 pm

Somehow, wearing earplugs when I’m out shopping before Christmas suddenly seems not only a necessary but also a decent alternative…

14

godoggo 12.17.06 at 2:47 am

I used to like replacing the word “food” for “love”: “Food, food me do” etc.

15

rdickinson 12.17.06 at 11:55 am

Re no. 9, how about “Business”? Scans with the songs (though not so good with the film titles).

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