Why, yes, random passersby looked at me strangely as I guffawed. Why do you ask?

I always thought the lead-off to Revelation was pretty bad-ass, too. I mean, the dude’s got a sword coming out of his mouth. If it were a modern vision, he’d have eye lasers.

God really didn’t like Judah’s kids. I always felt this reflected badly on Judah’s parenting abilities. I mean, your boys are suck pricks that God kills them.

38:7 And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.

38:8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

38:9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled [it] on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

38:10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Let that be a lesson to all of us: when the Lord commands you to sleep with your brother’s widow, don’t pull out or you’ll be smited on the spot by a vengeful God.

It actually gets worse (better?) from there, with harlotry, mistaken identity, and additional incest––and that’s just Chapter 38.

Then there’s Lot and his daughters. Gotta love those old-time family values …

From Leviticus 26, YHWH as badass:

21: “Then if you walk contrary to me, and will not hearken to me, I will bring more plagues upon you, sevenfold as many as your sins.
22: And I will let loose the wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number, so that your ways shall become desolate.
23: “And if by this discipline you are not turned to me, but walk contrary to me,
24: then I also will walk contrary to you, and I myself will smite you sevenfold for your sins.
25: And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall execute vengeance for the covenant; and if you gather within your cities I will send pestilence among you, and you shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.
26: When I break your staff of bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and shall deliver your bread again by weight; and you shall eat, and not be satisfied.
27: “And if in spite of this you will not hearken to me, but walk contrary to me,
28: then I will walk contrary to you in fury, and chastise you myself sevenfold for your sins.
29: You shall eat the flesh of your sons, and you shall eat the flesh of your daughters.
30: And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your incense altars, and cast your dead bodies upon the dead bodies of your idols; and my soul will abhor you.
31: And I will lay your cities waste, and will make your sanctuaries desolate, and I will not smell your pleasing odors.

Perhaps there was a post-maul boasting session held among them, but then that would beg the question as to what determines a hearty eviscerating maul as compared with a lacklustre shoulder-barge say, or a tripping-backwards-in-terror.

I’d like to raise the topic of regional biblical bear species distribution as well, but won’t. If you can summon bears, they may as well be winged wereKodiaks with Tasers for eyeballs. And 2 of them.

#10. Does the pope shit in the woods?

On the way the LORD said to Moses:

When you get to Egypt, go to the king and work the miracles I have shown you. But I will make him so stubborn that he will refuse to let my people go. Then tell him that I have said, ” Israel is my first-born son, 23and I commanded you to release him, so he could worship me. But you refused, and now I will kill your first-born son.”

One night while Moses was in camp, the LORD was about to kill him. But Zipporah circumcised her son with a flint knife. She touched his legs with the skin she had cut off and said, ” Truly a bloody bridegroom you are unto me.” So the LORD did not harm Moses.

Let us all learn from this.

This is the most homophobic and/or misogynist line in the Bible: Bears maul 42 youths!

Elisha’s curse must have been “May NAMBLA get thee” or “Hairy men will grope you”.

Re #10: yes, the bears were Catholic. I mean, duh.

Here:

On Herod’s birthday the daughter of Herodias danced for Herod and his guests. She pleased Herod very much. So he promised with an oath to give her anything she asked for. Her mother told her what to say. So the girl said to Herod, “Give me the head of John the Baptist on a big plate.”