May 26, 2004

Your Commencement Speaker Roster

Posted by Kieran

Successful commencement speakers are notoriously difficult to find. If you’re not boring people to death you are likely to be ticking someone off. With this in mind, the Crooked Timber Talent Agency is pleased to announce its list of 2004-2005 Commencement Speakers to the Administrations of all interested degree-granting institutions of higher learning, high schools, kindergartens, day-care centers and also right-wing think-tanks posing as any of the above. A brief selection of our speakers follows.

Saddam Hussein. Bio: Former President of Iraq. Speech topics: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; outdoor living and survival skills. General theme: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Like Ted Nugent, but with broader musical fan base.

Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, Richard Foster and Larry Lindsey. Bio: Former administration officials now collectively known as “The Mayberry Quartet.” Group bookings only. Speech topics: The meaning of loyalty; public service as its own reward; starting a new career later in life. General theme: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Barbershop quartet numbers at post-commencement reception.

John Lott. Bio: At various times very nearly on the faculty of several major universities, currently at the American Enterprise Institute. Speech Topics: Gun control in the United States and elsewhere; public policy; the dangers of the Internet. General theme: The importance of believing your dreams rather than the evidence, or presenting the former as the latter; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Much loved by graduands who faked all their physics problem sets in sophomore year.

Ahmed Chalabi. Bio: Future President of Iraq. Speech Topics: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; indoor living and survival skills. General theme: The importance of being able to get other people to follow your dreams; causing unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: None.

Judith Miller. Bio: New York Times reporter who as recently as a month ago was personally storing Saddam Hussein’s WMD stocks in her basement at home, according to one Iraqi scientist. Speech Topics: The overwhelming danger posed by Iraq; compromised sources I have known but not suspected. General theme: The importance of believing other people’s dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. Special Appeal: Sincerity above all.

Many other speakers available for booking, most at short notice. Reasonable rates. Speeches guaranteed short. Email for details today.

Posted on May 26, 2004 10:11 AM UTC
Comments

Maybe we could pair Lott with Steven Bellesiles?

Posted by john bragg · May 26, 2004 11:41 AM

I think you mean Michael Bellesiles. You’ll remember, of course, that he was forced to resign his position at Emory when his work was shown to be sloppy and likely fraudulent. You don’t see him on Op-Ed pages much these days, either.

Posted by Kieran Healy · May 26, 2004 12:58 PM

And I doubt that any ‘Institutes’ will have Michael on their staff as a ‘scholar’. Unless, of course, he sets up his own institute. Which, perhaps, says something about the AEI.

Posted by Barry · May 26, 2004 02:21 PM

Dick Cheney.
Bio: Big oil, big guns, big Government.
Speech Topics: Living large in the New World Order, tax shelters, POTUS wrangling, state of the art medical technology.
Special Appeal: Could drop dead in front of you.

Posted by Nabakov · May 27, 2004 02:32 PM
Followups

→ Washingtonian blog.
Excerpt:

To all the people arriving here via a search for “Washingtonian blog”: The following table is provided as a public service so that you can keep your pseudonymous posters straight:

PseudonymRe...

Read more at John Lott's Mary Rosh
→ news remainders.
Excerpt: as a rare delight, i handled the daily news today. and of course, that means i can pick up the scraps and put them here. nothing earth-shaking today, but enough to link to.1 in an odd preponderance of food stories (at least when you're searching for ed...Read more at riting on the wall
→ news remainders.
Excerpt: as a rare delight, i handled the daily news today. and of course, that means i can pick up the scraps and put them here. nothing earth-shaking today, but enough to link to.1 in an odd preponderance of food stories (at least when you're searching for ed...Read more at riting on the wall
→ news remainders.
Excerpt: as a rare delight, i handled the daily news today. and of course, that means i can pick up the scraps and put them here. nothing earth-shaking today, but enough to link to.1 in an odd preponderance of food stories (at least when you're searching for ed...Read more at riting on the wall

This discussion has been closed. Thanks to everyone who contributed.