February 28, 2004

Memo to Peter Jackson, Eugene Volokh, et al.

Posted by Kieran

High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document. Key scenes:

  • Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in Library of Congress. Seen lurking in alleyway off of Mass Ave. Shadows. Attacks and eats Cato Institute INTERN.
  • Day. The NATIONAL GUARD attempt to capture the Constitution on the Mall. Suddenly, ARTICLE III is invoked in a novel way. The GUARDSMEN find themselves guilty of treason and are forced to arrest themselves.
  • Morning. Quiet alley. Constitution hides in a dumpster. We hear it interpreting itself in a high-pitched chatter. BABY AMENDMENTS push up the dumpster lid and escape into the city.
  • A home office. A MAN sits at a computer. The Constitution moves stealthily behind him, past a banner on the wall reading ‘Proud to be a Resident Scholar at the AEI.’ He hears a noise behind him, turns and brandishes a gun. The Constitution quickly reinterprets the SECOND AMENDMENT and the gun disappears. The Man looks at his hand in horror, and then up at the advancing AMENDMENT. Fade Out.
  • Day. Golf Course. The EIGHTH AMENDMENT appears from the heavy rough and devours Justice SCALIA from the legs up. Vice President CHENEY putts to save par, makes some adjustments to Scalia’s scorecard, and smiles quietly to himself.

The linking scenes pretty much write themselves. Call me for a complete synopsis.

Posted on February 28, 2004 03:43 AM UTC
Comments

Amazing! Real genre bending stuff! We could get Tarantino to direct—and I see Mel Gibson cast against type as the establishment clause of the 1st amendment.

Posted by Curtiss Leung · February 28, 2004 03:58 AM

Funny stuff. I don’t have any more to say, really, just, nice work. :)

Posted by bonk · February 28, 2004 04:10 AM

Love it!

A couple of my own (also on my blog):

A shower. BUXOM WOMAN sings to herself while washing. Hearing something, she turns around just in time to see the CONSTITUTION decide that there is, in fact, no right to privacy.

The Oval Office. The PRESIDENT meets with members of his CABINET to discuss the growing crisis. He orders an attack on the CONSTITUTION. Cut to: Day. A formation of bombers attempts to destroy CONSTITUTION but the attack is foiled when the document literally interprets itself to mean that only Congress can declare war.

Posted by Sarek · February 28, 2004 06:24 AM

“Captain, the situation has gone from bad to worse! We managed to shoot off its last seven Amendments, but that only illegalized our drinks! If we take off two more Amendments, morale will be hurt when our wives leave us for disenfranchising them!”

Posted by digamma · February 28, 2004 01:50 PM

It is indeed funny. A substantially similar idea was run on SNL maybe 5 years ago. The X-Presidents were called in to subdue the renegade document.

Posted by jeremia · February 28, 2004 05:31 PM

Good stuff!

But don’t you mean Amendment III is invoked in a novel way? Not that invoking that in a novel way wouldn’t also be a novel interpretation of Article III. . .

Posted by James Joyner · February 29, 2004 02:16 AM

Is there a scene where the Ninth Amendment comes to ROBERT BORK’s house and attacks him with a fountain pen?

Posted by Mr. P · February 29, 2004 02:04 PM

Scene: OK Corral. Justice Scalia and Living Constitution face off for showdown. As Scalia’s trigger finger twitches nervously, he notices that the Constitution has no weapon. What’s this? The document suddenly begins to glow unnaturally surrounded by a strange luminescence. As the glare gets brighter and brighter, Scalia is blinded. He cries out, “Oh no, the “Penumbra!” He draws his gun and shoots, but his errant shot passes harmlessly through the ever brightening glow around the document. Now at the mercy of the Constitution, the heat from the dreaded Penumbra envelopes Scalia and he is consumed in the terrible fire.

Posted by Suedama · February 29, 2004 02:44 PM

Robert Loggia stars as the general defending America’s freedom. Jeff Goldblum appears as the geeky law professor/blogger Loggia brings in to explain the situation.

LOGGIA
OK, let’s get our strategy in order. What’s the check on the commerce clause?

GOLDBLUM
Check, sir?

LOGGIA
Yes Professor, what’s the limit on the clause’s power?

GOLDBLUM
Sir, there is none. We’re not even allowed to grow our own food.

LOGGIA
[gravely] Oh my God.

Posted by digamma · February 29, 2004 05:50 PM

In 1999, SNL’s animated X-Presidents fought the Constitution in a similar series of events. Can’t find a good link…but its funny stuff.

Posted by zinc_cola · February 29, 2004 07:31 PM

Wait until Lara and Art*, Liv’s Ma and Pa find out about this. They’ll clean things up in no time.

—————
*I.e., The Declaration of Independence and the Articles of Confederation.

Posted by Blithering Idiot · March 1, 2004 12:58 PM

The only weakness is that the Constitution just isn’t that scary looking. But if the Lord of the Rings Could sweep the Oscars with a lidless eye for a villain, you can write around this. For example—

THE CONSTITUTION is gaining strength in its lair, the IVORY TOWER OF HARVARD-DUR. Until it can assume corporeal form, it acts through its minions:

—THE NINE ACTIVIST JUDGES, or GAVELWRAITHS, (BLACKMUN, MARSHALL, BRENNAN, DOUGLAS, STEVENS, GINSBURG, REINHARDT, BREYER, and the dreaded WITCH-CHIEF-JUSTICE EARL WARREN). They were once mortal justices, but their hearts have been turned to evil by their lust for power.

—THE ARMY OF CULTURAL ELITES, who have already laid waste to not only the land of MASSACHUSETTS (where the shadows lie), but to most of the northeastern kingdom of men—including the once proud garrisons of NEW YORK and PHILADELPHIA. Now they turn their sights on the rest of MIDDLE AMERICA.

—THE VOICE OF THE LIVING CONSTITUTION, or as he was once known, LAURENCE TRIBE.

—What is THE LIVING CONSTITUTION’s ultimate goal? It’s too terrible to name, but this is surely a sign of things to come.

Meanwhile, on the far western shore of MIDDLE AMERICA, in San Francisco, the ACTIVIST JUDGES have a new ally. The city’s ROGUE MAYOR, GAVIN THE WHITE-TOOTHED, was once a good Irish Catholic boy, but his heart has been corrupted and he now amasses an army of HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVISTS to attack from the west….

Posted by Rosa · March 1, 2004 10:17 PM
Followups

→ *Pointer.
Excerpt: At Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy offers a treatment for a high concept horror movie: The Constitution is really a living...Read more at Hector Rottweiller Jr's Web Log
→ It's alive!.
Excerpt: A shower. BUXOM WOMAN sings to herself while washing. Hearing something, she turns around just in time to see the CONSTITUTION decide that there is, in fact, no right to privacy.Read more at Infinite Diversity
→ Plain Meaning.
Excerpt: Oh, I love this: Kieran Healy of Crooked Timber has an idea—”High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document.” Bet you someone actually does this as a short....Read more at Discourse.net
→ Crooked Timber: Memo to Peter Jackson, Eugene Volokh, et al..
Excerpt: Crooked Timber: Memo to Peter Jackson, Eugene Volokh, et al. posted by Kieran High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document. Key scenes: Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in Library of Congress. Seen lurkingRead more at SixFourteen
→ Plain Meaning.
Excerpt: Oh, I love this: Kieran Healy of Crooked Timber has an idea — “High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document.” Bet you someone actually does this as a short....Read more at Discourse.net
→ When Good Documents Go Bad.
Excerpt: Crooked Timber has a brilliant movie concept. I'll let you see it for yourself, but let me give you some incentive to read it: it includes Scalia being eaten by the 8th amendment. Now that's entertainment....Read more at theatrinomics
→ The Night of the Living Constitution.
Excerpt: Kieran Healy has written the movie synopsis: Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in Library of Congress. Seen lurking in alleyway off of Mass Ave....Read more at Outside the Beltway
→ Way Too Funny.
Excerpt: Over at Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy lays out the ultimate horror flick: The Document That Would...Not...Die. High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document. Key scenes: - Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in ...Read more at I love Jet Noise
→ Way Too Funny.
Excerpt: Over at Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy lays out the ultimate horror flick: The Document That Would...Not...Die. High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document. Key scenes: - Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in ...Read more at I love Jet Noise
→ Way Too Funny.
Excerpt: Over at Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy lays out the ultimate horror flick: The Document That Would...Not...Die. High Concept for a Horror movie: The Constitution really is a living document. Key scenes: - Night. CONSTITUTION escapes from display case in ...Read more at I love Jet Noise
→ *Pointer.
Excerpt: At Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy offers a treatment for a high concept horror movie: The Constitution is really a living...Read more at Hector Rottweiller Jr's Web Log
→ *Pointer.
Excerpt: At Crooked Timber, Kieran Healy offers a treatment for a high concept horror movie: The Constitution is really a living...Read more at Hector Rottweiller Jr's Web Log

This discussion has been closed. Thanks to everyone who contributed.