October 22, 2003

Bumper Stickers

Posted by Kieran

David Bernstein at Volokh posts about his favorite bumper stickers. The central mystery about bumper stickers in the U.S., by the way, is why they are called “bumper stickers” in the first place seeing as Americans call bumpers “fenders.” But I digress.

David’s favorite stickers are determined wholly by his politics. One of his “all-time favorites” is “If you can’t read this, thank the public schools,” which doesn’t seem that interesting to me. (Its counterpart, “If you can read this, thank a teacher,” isn’t much good, either.) His least favorite ones endorse lefty sentiments that he has no time for. Two of my favorite stickers comment on religious matters, though they endorse differing world views. The first is “In case of Rapture, this vehicle will be empty.” The second, which I’ve only seen once (on a car in New Jersey), is “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”

Posted on October 22, 2003 01:06 AM UTC
Comments

I saw one recently said that said: “Save the Whales — Turn them in for Valuable Prizes!”

Posted by Ishbadiddle · October 22, 2003 01:22 AM

“In case of rapture, can I have your car?”

Posted by George · October 22, 2003 01:26 AM

My favorite bumper sticker:

Don’t have strong opinions about issues you don’t understand

Posted by Joshua · October 22, 2003 01:37 AM

Maybe it’s a regionalism, or just my bumpkinish knowledge of cars, but I’ve always called those bits at the front and back of the car “bumpers”. Fenders are the flangy bits over the wheels.

Posted by PZ Myers · October 22, 2003 02:06 AM

I think I’ve seen “Nuke A Gay Baby Whale For Jesus,” but it might have been on a shirt.

Posted by Jason McCullough · October 22, 2003 02:07 AM

Hm, where I come from (in America) we call bumpers “bumpers.”

I agree that Bernstein’s favorite bumper stickers are pretty lame, and not much better than his least favorites.

Posted by JakeV · October 22, 2003 02:08 AM

A “fender” refers to removable piece of metal on the front sides of a car. (A “quarter panel” or “quarter” refers to the welded panels on the rear.) A “bumper” is the protective structure on the front or rear designed to limit damage in low-speed collisions.

Posted by Blue · October 22, 2003 02:34 AM

Personal fave, though you maybe have to have seen a lot of bumper stickers to get it:

“My carpenter is a bossy Jew.”

Posted by --kip · October 22, 2003 02:43 AM

I recently saw a bright red bumper sticker bearing the statement, “if this sticker is blue, you’re driving too fast.”

Posted by Dan Simon · October 22, 2003 02:47 AM

another good one, that belongs with the one from new jersey:

‘you say tomato,
i say fuck you’

i find this bit of gratuitous hostility funnier than the one from new jersey.

Posted by anon · October 22, 2003 02:51 AM

My favorite (given to me by my daughter) is “Visualize Whirled Peas”. And it is indeed on my bumper.

Posted by wired mennonite · October 22, 2003 02:55 AM

Partisan, and I laughed.

“Anyone Else for President”

“It’s not over ‘til your brother counts the votes”

Non-partisan
(generally seen on the back of a van)

“Don’t laugh: Your daughters inside”

Posted by dave · October 22, 2003 03:00 AM

“So Many Pedestrians…So Little Time”

Posted by Frank Wilhoit · October 22, 2003 03:08 AM

I have to share the worst bumper sticker I ever saw, in Memphis (my home town): “If we’d known you’d be so much trouble, we’d have picked our own damn cotton.”

Posted by JW · October 22, 2003 03:19 AM

The one I’m most sick of is that damned practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty. Inoffensive if a little too earnest the first time, but if you grow up in Northampton Mass it gets real old. Especially when sighted on a blue volvo station wagon.

My favorite, which I’ve only seen once: Driving drunk? Unbuckle your seatbelt.

Posted by laura · October 22, 2003 03:46 AM

I actually got a greeting card once with the “Jesus loves you” slogan, but with the regional difference “but everyone else thinks you’re a dickhead”.

Posted by dan · October 22, 2003 04:13 AM

It was funny when it came out: “My Child Beat The Crap Out Of Your Honor Student”, and, of course, the Jim Hightower-influenced “If God Had Meant Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates”

Posted by Norbizness · October 22, 2003 04:26 AM

I come from a family that had Too Many Bumper Stickers (including one of the volokh blog’s least favorites), so I cannot appreciate them. Except for maybe the ones that say “TIM JONES FOR REGISTER OF PROBATE!!!!!!”

So what car has the highest rate of bumper stickers per vehicle? Volvos might make a run, but I still say a Honda Civic hatchback.

Posted by Katherine · October 22, 2003 05:57 AM

With my apologies (seen once, in Boston):

“Jesus is coming, stick out your tongue.”

Posted by ogged · October 22, 2003 06:29 AM

“‘To the Workers of the world, I am sorry.’ - Karl Marx”
“Bush/Cheney ‘04: This time, elect us!”
“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Bush/Cheney ‘04: Compassionate Colonialism.”

Posted by Nabakov · October 22, 2003 07:39 AM

Can I say that advocacy type bumper stickers of any stripe fill me with a deep desire to accelerate and ram the damn vehicle?

I think there should be a bumper sticker: “I hate you and everything you stand for.”

Posted by Keith M Ellis · October 22, 2003 07:44 AM

Here in Detroit, (I work in the automotive industry.) we certainly call them bumpers.

My favorite: (In small print.) “If you can read this, YOU’RE TOO CLOSE!”

Posted by Brett Bellmore · October 22, 2003 11:03 AM

“Born just fine the first time.”

Posted by Stentor · October 22, 2003 02:03 PM

dating myself, i can recall a bumper sticker in the days of the Chicago 7 back in the 60s. It said “Free the Indianapolis 500”

Posted by tim · October 22, 2003 02:17 PM

Best bumper sticker I’ve seen is “Jesus Saves… but Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!”

Posted by david · October 22, 2003 03:04 PM

I never thought there would be anything that I really wanted to put on my car.

However, I’ve seen two of these in the past few months (one bumper sticker, one decal on the rear window) and I am strongly tempted:

Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

(Pet peeve, can you tell?)

Posted by Kate Nepveu · October 22, 2003 04:04 PM

My wife won’t have them on our car, so they go on my basement beer fridge. My current favorite is:

“They can have my penis when they pry it from my cold dead hand!” (with an American flag as background)

Posted by fritz · October 22, 2003 04:18 PM

Police motor-cyclists, in my town, like to annotate their license plates. My favorite?

“Smile. I could be behind you.”

Posted by Hoodie Craw · October 22, 2003 04:33 PM

I’ve recently seen one reading:

Doing my part to piss off the Religious Right.

I sorta like that.

I recently gave a conservative Christian friend a ride home after work. When we got to my car, she immediately checked the back-end for bumper stickers. She was suprised a liberal like me didn’t have any bumper stickers supporting causes on the back of my vehicle.

Posted by William · October 22, 2003 04:38 PM

I’ve always thought that “Mean People Suck” is a great bumper sticker, even though I think bumper stickers are awful.

Posted by pj · October 22, 2003 04:43 PM

Laura—
Did you know that that one has been picked up by the Hasidim? I saw a lot of “Random acts of kindness will help bring Moshiach” stickers in my old Pittsburgh neighborhood. Some sort of culture clash, I think.

(It could also have been one bumper sticker which I passed every day.)

Posted by Matt Weiner · October 22, 2003 05:26 PM

I don’t mind bumper stickers, they make waiting for a red light to turn green more interesting.. and some make me smile.

I have some, although most require a bit of knowledge so they may not make that much sense in general. One is “free the mouse” and the other says “I love Tinky Winky” where the heart for “love” is in the colors of the rainbow.

Posted by eszter · October 22, 2003 05:32 PM

Listen for the bombs
Pay no attention to those hands in your pockets !

I don’t vote, I don’t whine.
I think everythings just fine.

Posted by Jay Conner · October 22, 2003 05:45 PM

Jesus Is Coming.
Look Busy.

Posted by Ed · October 22, 2003 06:52 PM

I want one that says:

Bush is a divider, not a uniter!

Posted by jsg · October 22, 2003 07:14 PM

Re: “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Isn’t that what Kissenger and Arafat did?

Posted by Decnavda · October 22, 2003 08:02 PM

Blue, rear quarters are removeable on body-on-frame constructed vehicles (as opposed to unibody) like light trucks and older passenger cars.

Posted by Crow · October 22, 2003 08:11 PM

A friend gave me one a couple eyars ago that says “Marxists get crazy laid.” You know it’s true…

Posted by jw mason · October 22, 2003 08:14 PM

Most unintentionaly hilarious: “Soular powered by the son”

Posted by Harry Tuttle · October 22, 2003 08:25 PM

My favorite isn’t political or religious:

“It’s been so long since I had sex that I forget who gets tied up.”

Posted by Brandon · October 22, 2003 08:47 PM

In 1977 in San Francisco I remember one that said “Free Patti - at McDonald’s.”

Posted by Randy Paul · October 22, 2003 10:29 PM

“Feminazi On Board.”

Posted by Julia Grey · October 22, 2003 10:29 PM

I always liked:

“Militant Agnostic - I don’t know, and you don’t either!”

Posted by nick edwards · October 22, 2003 11:43 PM

“Microsoul”

“I’m not in the NRA and I vote too.”

Posted by Jimmy · October 22, 2003 11:58 PM

pj:
The “Mean People Suck” sticker has been around a long time. Have you seen the follow ups? I’ve seen two:

“Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow”

and

“Mean People Suck, Nice People Lick”

Both rude but both made me laugh.

Posted by Yukoner · October 23, 2003 12:37 AM

Re: Visualize Using Your Turn Signal

Not a bumper sticker, but this reminds me of my favorite No Parking sign, seen on someone’s gated driveway near Muir Beach in CA:

Visualize Getting Towed

Posted by lionfish · October 23, 2003 02:41 AM

I recently gave a conservative Christian friend a ride home after work.

Yeah? Didja score?

(ducking & running)

Posted by jokerman · October 23, 2003 04:28 AM

Jesus: Another Carpenter Who Promised to Come Back One Day & Finish the Job

Posted by sockeye · October 23, 2003 04:29 AM

“God used to be my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.”

Posted by apostropher · October 23, 2003 05:00 AM

favorite bumper sticker from the eighties,west coast US:

“millions for beer,and not a penny for defense”

Posted by lubberland · October 23, 2003 01:12 PM

“proud parents of an honor student at home”

“my boss is a non-union carpenter”

Posted by triticale · October 23, 2003 01:37 PM

The award for anatomical ignorance should go to “If you want to get laid, just crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait”.

Posted by tim · October 23, 2003 02:55 PM

“all extremists should be shot”

Posted by eg · October 23, 2003 03:47 PM

I heard that in Boston 1974 or so (home of

“Don’t blame me, I’m from Massachusetts”)

another popular sticker was

“Impeach the Cox-sacker!”

More recently I’ve seen

“Bush for Lawn Ornament”

Not as good as the apocryphal

“Lick Bush in 1988”
(maybe 2004 instead?)

Posted by Betty · October 24, 2003 02:46 AM

Can I play?

None other than Jonah Goldberg endorsed my idea for this sticker: “Practice Random Acts of Self-Restraint.”

One of my favorites (that I’ve only seen once): “If It’s Not A Child, You’re Not Pregnant.”

Posted by RLG · October 24, 2003 10:00 PM

“Don’t Drink And Park — Accidents Cause People”.

Posted by Bruce Moomaw · October 25, 2003 01:26 AM

Tim, hens have cloacas, the one-tube solution.

Posted by clew · October 25, 2003 08:53 AM

My Two favoirtes are both on my car.

The “WWJB : Who Would Jesus Bomb?”

and “Gun’s don’t kill people, abortion clinics kill people.”

Yes they’re both on my car, its called being a libertarian.

Posted by jim fulner · December 10, 2003 07:00 AM

How about:

“Fresh horses and more whiskey for my men.”

Posted by jeff linnert · January 24, 2004 12:55 AM

I hate that sparkley rich girl bumper sticker “Spoiled”… I told my husband to put that bumper sticker on the back of his beat up 89 Buick… Then that bumper sticker would be cool!

Posted by Rachel · January 28, 2004 02:01 AM
Followups

→ Fender Stickers.
Excerpt: Well, since everybody else is recounting bumper/fender stickers, I thought I'd offer up a few of my own favorites. [Note, this list will necessarily be made more esoteric by the fact that I'm listing only stickers I own, even though...Read more at Crescat Sententia

This discussion has been closed. Thanks to everyone who contributed.