by John Holbo on May 8, 2005

An unusual slice of spam showed up in my inbox, offering to induce severe erectile dysfunction at a very reasonable price. Subject line: “make love to any woman instantaneously.”

Now I know what you are going to say: Holbo, that’s two CT posts in the last month, both about spam. I know, I know. But it’s this hurly-burly modern life I lead. I find after I’ve read all the spam in my inbox, patiently weighing the merits and demerits of so many anonymous pleas to enage in so many complex financial transfers; after I’ve dutifully clicked all the links in all the comment spam that sprouted in the night … well, half the day is gone.



bi 05.08.05 at 8:43 am



fred Bastiat 05.08.05 at 9:37 am

“offering to INDUCE severe erectile dysfunction” ??


Kieran Healy 05.08.05 at 10:24 am

offering to induce severe erectile dysfunction

I guess there really is a market for everything. You think it’s aimed at tired wives? Long-suffering neighbors?


Daniel 05.08.05 at 10:49 am

practical jokers


abb1 05.08.05 at 10:52 am

I got this today:

The Pa|n 1s k||l1ng yOur husband

Offerman Review – note about Martyrd0m and Pa1n

V’1.C.0.D’!’N ES 7.5/75o m.gg 3O P|LLS 199.00 60 PillS 339.95 9o Pi|LS 469.o0

Fu|| |Ist : http://(redacted)

Same Day Sh!ppIng

n.e’v*e,r a,g.a*!’n : http://(redacted)

your password has expired

Rafael Ervin
SIGMA Medizin-Technik, Thum, D-09419, Germany
Phone: 119-216-1444
Mobile: 548-784-3811
Email: ozsczhuehj@funmail.co.uk

please do not reply to this message

This package is a 4[2

Sounds like a good deal, too bad I don’t have a husband.


A. Cephalous 05.08.05 at 12:38 pm

I’m partial the aphoristic and philosophical spam of “Wellington H. Circumspection,” “Noodles E. Effervesce” and company:

The desire to know and to understand are themselves connotative, i.e. have a striving character, and are as much personality needs as the “basic needs” we have already discussed.As a work of art it has the same status as a long conversation between two not very bright drunks.

Apparently this “solohcgirl ufcked by mtosenr” spends her free time with the folks from Linklater’s Waking Life

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

…or reading the latest articles by J. Hillis Miller.

To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven, Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind.

…or William Blake. Too bad I don’t have time to annotate them all, but they’re keepers. Here’re some more:

A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on.

I flatly declare that a man fed on whisky and dead bodies cannot do the finest work of which he is capable, because to be like Christ is to be a Christian.

I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes.

Whatever you “assume” to be possible — or impossible will have a tendency to become real for you.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

The beginning of an acquaintance whether with persons or things is to get a definite outline of our ignorance.

Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.

People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.

A book might be written on the injustice of the just.

We do not stop playing because we grow old we grow old because we stop playing.

My faith has no bed to sleep upon but omnipotence.


W. Kiernan 05.08.05 at 1:55 pm


That’s some great classic spam. I saw that stuff like fifteen years ago! If I remember right there was this mystery guy who’d now and again jam pieces of three-hole school notebook paper, covered on both sides with these deranged hand-written essays, into the front door at my office in downtown St. Petersburg, Florida. I believe he was the one who kindly turned us on to the pamphlet offering the liberating wisdom of Neo-Tech.

abb1 sez: Sounds like a good deal, too bad I don’t have a husband.

Then you must respond to this solicitation right away! I mean, if you did have a husband, I could sort of understand you ignoring the pain that is killing him; I mean, that’s what marriage is all about, isn’t it? But in your case it’s obviously some poor innocent stranger who’s suffering martyrdom; you can’t just sit there and let this happen, can you?


bi 05.08.05 at 2:25 pm

W. Kiernan: Ah, I *heart* Neo-Tech! Excuse me while I engage in mindlesslink sluttage, um I mean link sharing. :-)

That aside, this glucksman@yahoo.com seems pretty desperate.


Niall 05.08.05 at 6:50 pm


Surely you’d want to last a bit longer than that???


Noumenon 05.09.05 at 12:46 pm

I’m wondering if any people have posted fake comment spams that got eaten by the filters first, because I’m surprised bi’s and abb1’s got through.


bi 05.09.05 at 1:07 pm

OK, mine didn’t get through spamprobe, but I happened to come across those mails when I was looking at my spambox, and they were so weird that I just had to share with everyone.

(I have this little conspiracy theory: this glucksman bloke doesn’t actually have any goods to sell, and his job is simply to collect the money and then disappear or give all sorts of excuses.)


Anderson 05.09.05 at 4:27 pm

I’m with Niall, “instantaneous” sex sounds like part of the problem, not part of the solution.

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