Parasites with style

by Henry on March 18, 2007

The recent “profusion”:https://crookedtimber.org/2007/03/12/skin/ “of”:https://crookedtimber.org/2007/03/14/gift-exchange/ “posts”:https://crookedtimber.org/2007/03/15/how-about-my-gift/ on beard shaving has attracted a slightly more sophisticated class of comment-spammer to CT than the usual midget-porn purveyors we hose out of the moderation queue every morning.

I’ve been hiding under my facial hair for so long because of life circumstances it was no point in getting involved. Now life is starting to look better and I’m not under such stress and crap. I might just have to get back in the game… How do I attract women? I suppose I need to do more than just shave or use the ever-popular [name of pheromone product deleted]. I’m gonna have to ditch my caveman culture and transform myself a little I guess. The secret is that i use pheromones [url deleted] for attracting women. They are like magic.

It’s unclear whether this is a good or a bad thing.

{ 9 comments }

1

john bragg 03.18.07 at 1:04 am

“How do I attract women?”

Me, I just sit around licking my eyebrows.

Punchline roll call!!

2

Matt 03.18.07 at 2:30 am

You should leave on the midget porn spam. I’d be much further along in my work if I didn’t have to spend time hunting that stuff down on my own!

3

Paul Ding 03.18.07 at 2:59 am

Any fella (over the age of 25) who is trying to figure out how to attract women hasn’t been paying attention. Women think virtually all the good ones are either married or gay. All you have to do is to carefully hold your left hand up – without any limpness in the wrist please – with your nekkid ring-finger visible, and whisper, “here!”

Oh, and I should have warned you that you should first fill your right hand with a baseball bat – to beat them off as they approach in large numbers.

You don’t have to be rich. You don’t have to be famous. You don’t have to be attractive. You don’t have to be a hardbody. It’s necessary that they believe you to be nonviolent, respectful, and capable of keeping a secret. If you want a relationship, not just a roll in the sack, it is necessary that you normally be employed at something that approximates your capabilities (striving seems to be more important than success).

And those pheromones? Soap and water, recently applied, works wonders….

4

Kieran Healy 03.18.07 at 5:42 am

I thought that was posted by John Q.

5

NBarnes 03.18.07 at 5:43 am

I’ve read a couple things recently suggesting that in some age groups, the men are much more likely to be looking for a long-term relationship or marriage than the women.

6

sara 03.19.07 at 12:52 am

Slightly OT: who first started the trend of what I term “beard experiments”? Facial hair, usually short, shaved into strange patterns (soul patch, goatee, fringe along jawline, etc.)?

They must be harder to maintain than either full beards or clean-shavedness.

7

jon 03.19.07 at 1:09 am

Sara,

Full beards may be easy to maintain, but clean-shavedness is difficult for some. It all depends on the facial structure. For some, there’s a deep cleft in the chin which is hard to shave. I have a deeply clefted whatchamacallit between the lips and nose, which makes it harder to shave my moustache (I do, however, since I don’t like the look of it.)

Some men are a bit chinless, so a goatee or beard makes them look more masculine. As for soul patches, imperials, and elaborate sideburns: they’re just fashion.

There’s a sort of parallel to be drawn to women’t pubic hair. Bushes can be left free to grow as they please, trimmed, shaped, plucked completely, or all of the above over the course of a few months (most women I know tend to embrace variety.) If only such things were as apparent as the hair on men’s faces….

8

Shlomo 03.19.07 at 2:12 am

I haven’t gone without a beard since I was 19 and, at 45, there are no plans for shaving in the foreseeable future. Find a woman who likes a man with a beard, and hang on to her. They are out there.

The issue of beards isn’t just about dating. In the corporate world, beards are a no-no. I remember applying for a technical-sales position several years ago. I was already gainfully employed, so it wasn’t a big deal not to get the job.

The HR person asked me if I wouldn’t mind shaving off the beard were I to be considered for the position. I asked why he thought this was necessary. In his words “People tend to look at bearded men as unsanitary or barbaric.” Really? It was then that I noticed a glossy portrait of Jesus on the credenza and asked “What about him? Would he get the job?”

9

"As You Know" Bob 03.20.07 at 4:00 am

shlomo at #8 brushes on a point that’s puzzled me:

Here in America, the wingnuts are introducing the Book of Leviticus into political discourse – and these same wingnuts don’t feel any need at all to obey Leviticus 19:27 :

“Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.”

(Could that BE any less ambiguous?) Does anyone understand why “mainstream” religious conservatives are also against beards and long hair (on men)?

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