Before I leave, I thought that I would string together a list of links and quotes from non-political humor sites. Enjoy.
Seanbaby on a serial horse penis mutilator:
Criminals have rights, but I don’t think anyone’s going to argue too much if the cop that finds this one opens fire. The police captain will call the officer into his office and scream, “You’re a loose cannon, Fizketti! The mayor is not going to stand for any more of these lone wolf shootings from this precin- wait. What? He did what to four whats? Jesus Christ, I hope you washed your gun after you shot him.”
Finally, a book about collecting lobster-shaped beanbags without all the genius baggage. Because let’s face it, before the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Beanie Babies came out, every time you bought a book teaching you how to collect stuffed animals, you looked like a pompous asshole. The clerk would ring you up, ‘’That will be $19. 95, and I guess you think you’re better than me, jerk. Maybe I could get you an extra bag to help carry out your ego.’’
From his Top 20 hit, “There’s Nothing My Love Can’t Fix”: “There’s nothing my love can’t fix your ya babeeeeeaahghh-agghhhh-ahhhh-ahh.” Judging by that line, I either accidentally reviewed the Joey Lawrence Funny Noises Outtakes Album, or at the end of the first chorus, something is crawling down Joey’s throat and doing its best to kill him.
Kathy does sneak a lot of uninteresting autobiographical stories in, but they all at least try to advance the message of how Jesus Christ is her best friend. He, our Lord, was even there with Kathy while she was being fired as the sexy school nurse on Saved By The Bell because she “didn’t feel like she was connecting with her character.” I found this story so moving that I incorporated it into the ending of the only Christian poem I know, “Footprints”:
“Jesus, why during my most troubling times, is there only one set of footprints in the sand next to this sexy me-shaped crater?”
“My child, when you got fired from Saved By The Bell, I was laughing so hard I dropped you.”
Kubrick was pressured by the MPAA to digitally insert black robed men in front of some of some of the hottest action in the orgy. Oddly enough, it turns out now that this scene is actually just taken from the early 1970s Marilyn Chambers hit “Behind the Green Door,” with Kubrick just sort of going nuts and digitizing in people all over the place, including the Tom Cruise character. Some speculate that this was just a project for Kubrick, around which he had to build the Cruise-Kidman plot. Apparently, he had privately been inserting computer-generated baseball players into scenes from Bangkok Bangers 3, and was hoping to get Brad Pitt and Neve Campbell to star in the 8-page, 4-hour film to be structured around this.
Positive Movie Reviews on James Bond Will Die Another Time!
LET’S face it: England’s on a roll. First they won the Falklands War, then they successfully killed that troublemaking princess, and now a new James Bond movie – Die Another Time! This is the second Bond movie (the first was The World Is Not Enough for James Bond!), which now means that it is tied with Blacula and Scream Blacula Scream as the longest-running film series in history. And this movie is so good that one is tempted to believe that this is one series that will have legs. Though of course, I said the same thing about Blacula, not realizing that it was about to be wiped out by Asianstein and Bride of Asianstein…
In Die Another Time!, Halle Berry continues the tradition of recent Oscar-winning actresses becoming Bond girls. The World Is Not Enough for James Bond! featured performances by Best Actresses Julia Roberts (as Selfa Grandizement) and Hilary Swank (as Ann Drogeny), but Halle Berry (as Jinx) is the most jubilant Bond girl ever. When she first rises up out of the water in a bikini, clutching her Oscar over her head, then breaking into tears and dedicating the award to everyone from Dorothy Dandridge to Jada Pinkett-Smith, you realize that this is a Bond film that plans to do something a little different. Bond then has sex with her.
From Old Man Murray’s review of the video game “KISS- Pycho Circus”
I say, if you’re going to go through all the trouble of hiring a lawyer to license KISS, you might as well suck it up, act like a f***ing man for once in your life, and put KISS in the game. Instead, all Psycho Circus contains are lots of itty-bitty coy references to KISS. Trouble is, (1) the word “KISS” is in the title, and (2) the box has a picture of KISS on it. In other words, the man wearing the cat makeup is out of the bag….
Off the top of my head, I can think of one million ideas for the KISS game that are better than the ones Todd McFarlane came up with. Here they are in the order I thought of them:1. You are KISS.
2. KISS has been kidnapped by punks. Rescue KISS!
The list sort of peaks with #2, so I’ll leave it at that. But you get the idea.
And Pointless Waste of Time’s Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Return of the King. Not work-safe, unless you work in a gay bathhouse.