Quiet around here

by John Holbo on April 25, 2009

You’ve met The Girls From Planet 5. Now meet …


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“Penned up in the Mediterranean’s most infamous prison farm, beautiful young bodies subject to their cruel jailer’s every whim, these man-craving convict women joined forces with a brawling Yank adventurer to burst out of their barbed wire hell cage, setting off a love-and-vengeance revolt that sent tremors through an entire Mid-east empire!”

Out of the boingboing of humanity, no straight thing was ever made. Is my motto.



Shawn Crowley 04.25.09 at 5:25 am

If you crave this variety of literary output search ebay’s book listings using “sleaze” as the search term. Yes, sleaze is a term of art. And what art it is.


Hermenauta 04.25.09 at 10:58 am

Small letters, bottom left:

“BON VOYAGE, Yvette told the terrified guards. “I just wish there were a few crocodilos in that river.”

Very accurate:

“Abstract: Middle Holocene remains and rock paintings show that the Nile crocodile (Crocodylus niloticus Laurenti) used to occur across the whole Sahara. It also occurred at the South Mediterranean shores, in swamps and rivers and it may even have been circum-mediterranean. Until the beginning of this century, many permanent waters in the Sahara still housed relict populations. Nowadays, only few specimens survive in pools in few river canyons of the Ennedi plateau (N. Chad), where they are threatened with extinction. Another relict population, in the Tagant hills of Mauretania, was found to be probably extinct in 1996.”

Status of the Nile crocodile in the Sahara desert, Klaas de Smet, Hydrobiologia, Volume 391, Numbers 1-3 / January, 1998.


Righteous Bubba 04.25.09 at 6:01 pm

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And I did! The power of the internets!


micah 04.25.09 at 6:29 pm

I like how, of the three women on the cover, one is grey-haired and the other two are brunette. “Lost blondes,” indeed.


Cryptic ned 04.25.09 at 7:09 pm

The blondes are gone, replaced by brown- and grey-haired women! What has happened to Penile Plantation 9?!


e julius drivingstorm 04.25.09 at 7:16 pm

Click here for larger.

So I did but mine didn’t get any larger.


Salient 04.25.09 at 8:06 pm

Out of the boingboing of humanity, no straight thing was ever made.

In this spirit, I went ahead and contributed something to your Find A Way To Use “Periplum” In A Sentence Challenge.

I’m prouder of it / happier with it than I ought to be. Anyhow, hope you enjoy it!


Shawn Crowley 04.26.09 at 1:07 am

For larger, you need the sequel: Penile Implantation 9″


Nix 04.26.09 at 10:33 pm

The lost brunette blondes are also all implausibly clean and well-coiffed and wearing ridiculously abbreviated and non-ragged clothing.

Also, ‘subject to their cruel jailers’ every whim’ yet simultaneously ‘man-craving’? These are not human beings as we know them — unless of course their cruel jailers actually wanted them to do the cooking (yeah right).

(seriously, anyone who’s actually read of what happened to people in the various prison and extermination camps in Europe in WWII should find this cover alone quite repulsive. When does this book date from?)


R Gould-Saltman 04.27.09 at 2:00 am

Nix: you’re unclear on the cause-effect at work, here. What the man-craving convict brunette-blondes have obviously discovered is the weaponized use of a core truth asserted by fundamentalist Islamists : simply by (ahem) “bursting out of their barbed wire hell-cage”, or, more specifically, their blouses, they have evidently rendered their brown-uniformed and be-fezzed captors insensible and powerless without firing a shot! The brain-searing effect of scantily clad female flesh is proven again!


Katherine 04.27.09 at 8:04 am

“These are not human beings as we know them”

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head right there. Women? Human beings? Don’t be so naive.


Nix 04.27.09 at 10:53 am

R Gould-Saltman: thanks for the translation of ‘barbed-wire hell-cage’ from finest pulp: it’s been so long since I read one of these that my dictionary has gone all rusty.

Regarding women as human beings, surely the author had a mother? (But perhaps mothers get put in a separate mental category. In any case anyone knows that their mother is all-powerful, so extending this to a bunch of imprisoned women wearing not very much is perfectly plausible. In this context, though, the ‘gain power by stripping off’ is even more disturbing than it was before.)

(The _Species_ movies of course used the same trick, whereby the appearance of an unclad female is sufficient to paralyze any man, even after the unclad female transforms into a horrible spiky thing and begins to feed. I suspect Freud would have had a field day with those movies. I was too busy laughing at them to get much serious analysis in.)


Zamfir 04.27.09 at 11:59 am

Nix says: Also, ‘subject to their cruel jailers’ every whim’ yet simultaneously ‘man-craving’?

If you read the text carefuly, they are liberated by Yank adventurers. Other men are not real men.


Matthew 04.27.09 at 5:10 pm

We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
I don’t think I was.
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
No, it’s too perilous.
Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
No. It’s unhealthy.
I bet you’re gay.
No, I’m not.



David 04.27.09 at 6:18 pm

I’ll wait for the movie. Mel Gibson, anyone?

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