Not Good Enough

by Kieran Healy on April 27, 2011

No-one will be fooled. I demand the White House release video of Obama being born on home plate during the 1961 World Series, with Roger Maris attending the delivery and being heard to remark “That’s a fine-looking future President you have there, Ann”. Oh wait, is the White House REFUSING to release this video? Or maybe—just maybe—are they in fact UNABLE TO? And why do you think that would be? Because the so-called President was IN AFRICA at the time? Because Hawaii wasn’t even a U.S. Territory in 1961? I think you can join the dots yourself. I rest my case.

{ 58 comments }

1

J. Fisher 04.27.11 at 3:29 pm

You still need to go back further than that storied day.

2

Substance McGravitas 04.27.11 at 3:35 pm

3

Substance McGravitas 04.27.11 at 3:35 pm

4

Substance McGravitas 04.27.11 at 3:36 pm

5

tomslee 04.27.11 at 4:05 pm

It’s green? That makes no sense.

6

Kieran Healy 04.27.11 at 4:16 pm

That’s because he was born in Ireland, which is why he’s visiting there next month.

7

alph 04.27.11 at 4:44 pm

“I think you can join the dots yourself.”

Idiom requires “connect”. Change it, or lose your tin-foil cred.

(“joining” the dots would presumably mean: becoming a dot oneself!)

8

More Dogs, Less Crime 04.27.11 at 5:01 pm

I always suspected Kieran was subtly pushing a dot-assimilationist agenda.

9

Kevin Donoghue 04.27.11 at 5:07 pm

So how’s the kerning investigation going? And what do we make of the fact that the ‘K’ in ‘Kansas’ isn’t properly lined up, whereas the ‘K’ in ‘Kenya’ lines up perfectly?

10

alph 04.27.11 at 5:10 pm

Actually, Kieran is the Sylvester McMonkey McBean of dots. He can make you a dot-bellied Sneetch, or remove the dots and make you a plain-bellied Sneetch. He’s running a dot-con.

Think that’s far-fetched? Think it’s unlikely? I think you can join the dots yourself!

11

Bill Gardner 04.27.11 at 5:12 pm

That’s because he was born in Ireland

So that’s what he was hiding!

12

christian_h 04.27.11 at 5:14 pm

Obviously that kind of sans serif font wasn’t used in Hawaii long form birth certificates until 1974.

13

mds 04.27.11 at 5:17 pm

That’s because he was born in Ireland, which is why he’s visiting there next month.

Aha! The anti-colonialism explained!

14

Nate Stout 04.27.11 at 5:44 pm

Ha! That’s excellent. Though, if such a video did exist, I’m sure he would’ve been born in a Cincinnati Reds uniform given his communist sympathies.

15

Malaclypse 04.27.11 at 5:48 pm

The release is an obvious forgery, as it does not list Malcolm X as the father.

16

Scott Martens 04.27.11 at 5:55 pm

17

Malaclypse 04.27.11 at 6:11 pm

The Onion wins the internets.

18

mcd 04.27.11 at 6:43 pm

This doesn’t change the fact that Obama didn’t attend Columbia or Harvard, and Bill Ayers wrote his term papers.

19

Michael Bérubé 04.27.11 at 8:02 pm

And what do we make of the fact that the ‘K’ in ‘Kansas’ isn’t properly lined up, whereas the ‘K’ in ‘Kenya’ lines up perfectly?

And compare those to the “K” in “Kapiolani” and the “K” in “Kalanianaole.” Not one of them matches another. Oh, sure, the K in Kenya is aligned just like the K in Kalanianaole, but look at how much lighter it is! This proves that Obama’s knee was the only part of him that attended Columbia.

20

Salient 04.27.11 at 8:14 pm

I am supremely dissatisfied with this incomplete forfeiture of personal information, and will not rest until Obama releases his social security identification and a long-form credit card number (with expiration date).

21

Dr. Hilarius 04.27.11 at 9:22 pm

The birthers are missing the real issue: Obama can’t be a natural born citizen because Hawaii isn’t really a state. The vote for statehood was rigged, they let people who don’t look American vote. And if they weren’t citizens then, how could they vote for citizenship! See, it’s simple.

22

Matt McIrvin 04.27.11 at 9:51 pm

He should have waited until the Republican Convention.

23

christian_h 04.27.11 at 9:53 pm

It’s quite clear that Trotsky was deleted from this long-form birth certificate. He should be standing to the right of “Kansas”.

24

ice9 04.27.11 at 10:44 pm

25

jim 04.27.11 at 11:24 pm

Why has no-one mentioned the warming pan?

26

Maurice Meilleur 04.28.11 at 12:06 am

It’s too late now, but for responding to future whack-job conspiracy theories, perhaps the White House should purchase a Xerox Assjet 790.

27

John Fleming 04.28.11 at 3:14 am

28

Britta 04.28.11 at 3:45 am

The real reason for the cover up is his name is not Barack Hussein Obama . It’s actually Hussein Ossama Adolf Ho Chi Min Qaddafi Obama, but the liberals don’t want you to know that.

29

Keith 04.28.11 at 4:28 am

That’s because he was born in Ireland

I met a guy in Ireland who pronounced his family name the old way: O’bama. What more proof do you need?

30

Martin Bento 04.28.11 at 8:47 am

I was hoping Obama would wait until the thick of the election, since it seemed that whoever would win the Repub primary would have to at least wink and nod at the birthers or take a major hit in grassroots support. One again, he seems to be trying to save the Repubs from themselves. And once again, they throw the lifeline back. Now Trump is on about his school records. How did this black guy get into Harvard anyway? Well, that should be it for him. I thought he was more dangerous than most did, because I know how some people reacted to his show before it became a celebrity freak show. He’s smart enough to know how stupid a move that is, but his ego overrules his intelligence and he won’t admit he was wrong. Best was Orly Taitz (sp?), the one who ginned this all up in the first place, on MSNBC. O’donnell had her on to give a chance to apologize or not. She refused to even mention that birth certificate she’s been on about for 3 years and pushed her new obsession: his draft registration. O’donnell lost his temper and yelled at her, so I could not even catch what she was claiming; O’donnell was trying to force the birther queen to discuss the birth certificate, and she was just running a different tape.

31

Henri Vieuxtemps 04.28.11 at 9:06 am

I’m still waiting for a proof that he was in Cambodia for 1968 Christmas, dammit. Is this too much to ask?

32

Andrew C 04.28.11 at 10:04 am

Eventually even a cat gets bored and eats the mouse.

33

Malaclypse 04.28.11 at 11:05 am

I’m still waiting for a proof that he was in Cambodia for 1968 Christmas, dammit.

A Holiday in Cambodia?

34

James Wimberley 04.28.11 at 12:23 pm

Now where’s the Obamas’ marriage certificate? (Advert).

35

JP Stormcrow 04.28.11 at 12:50 pm

Martin@30: so I could not even catch what she was claiming

I believe it is something about the Social Security Number on his selective service discussions. Apparently it is one that is supposedly “reserved” for people from Connecticut, and there are other questions about the timing of him being assigned the number. Plus he’s black.

36

JP Stormcrow 04.28.11 at 12:52 pm

Oops, “discussions” s/b “documents” , unhinged by hockey loss grieving this morning.

37

Anderson 04.28.11 at 2:05 pm

28% see the long-form cert and still don’t believe it — further proof of the Crazification Factor, as I elucidate here.

38

Castorp 04.28.11 at 2:30 pm

As everyone rightly points out above the release of the certificate will not stop the birthers. This seems to have become the new justification. If you have neither current law and Supreme Court predence on your side, you just need to channel the spirits of the Founding Fathers: http://www.birthers.org/USC/Vattel.html

39

roac 04.28.11 at 2:39 pm

Obama can’t be a natural born citizen because Hawaii isn’t really a state. The vote for statehood was rigged, they let people who don’t look American vote.

I am old enough to remember, and there was indeed strong opposition to Hawaii statehood on the basis of the low albedo of the majority of the residents. The name that sticks in my mind is Sen. Mike Monroney (D-OK). That may be why Alaska got in first, against all expectations.

40

Barry Freed 04.28.11 at 3:31 pm

The crazy just never stops, from the front page of that birthers.org link from Castorp above:

1.An identical printing press used to create Hawaiian Vital documents was discovered in Canada,

2. Vintage typewriters were sought from the 1950′s

3. Even one person told us that computer typeface for vintage typewriters was commissioned.

With all this information, we were waiting and baiting the trap. Actually we were baiting other traps but leaving one trap alone…

41

Lee 04.28.11 at 3:31 pm

And who said Hawaii was a state? My understanding is that the Queen of Hawaii signed over her country under duress, thus voiding the treaty. Dey’s all furiners.

42

chris 04.28.11 at 3:58 pm

I am old enough to remember, and there was indeed strong opposition to Hawaii statehood on the basis of the low albedo of the majority of the residents.

I was under the impression that the plurality of the residents of Hawaii are actually Asian, with Native Hawaiians a significantly smaller group (and blacks smaller still). Was that not true at the time?

43

JP Stormcrow 04.28.11 at 4:13 pm

1960 US Census: White 32.0% Black 0.8% Asian & Pacific Islander 65.3%
Hawaii data from 1950 has a finer breakdown (and a smaller white percentage)
White (Caucasian) 23%
Black 1%
Asian and Pacific Islander. 73%
. Japanese 37%
.. Mixed race 1%
. Chinese 6%
.. Mixed race 1%
. Filipino 12%
.. Mixed race 2%
. Korean 1%
. Hawaiian (full or part) 17%
.. Hawaiian 2%
.. Part Hawaiian 15%

44

JP Stormcrow 04.28.11 at 4:18 pm

Ah, sorry for the formatting lossage. Chris @41 is right on the breakdown, but I suspect the significant Japanese component was no solace for those who were concerned about the otherness of Hawaiians in general.

45

roac 04.28.11 at 4:57 pm

‘Low albedo” was unnecessarily cute and insufficiently clear. Yes, Hawaii was majority Asian then as now, and there was explicit opposition to statehood for this reason. The attitude was, Asians may be OK as long as they are in the minority and have to conform to white expectations, but who knows what they might get up to if they were in a position of power?

(Lumping the various Asian-derived ethnic groups of Hawaii together is of course as misleading as agglomerating all Spanish-speaking immigrants to the US under the “Hispanic” or “Latino” label.)

46

Michael Bérubé 04.28.11 at 5:43 pm

The only way to answer Newt Gingrich’s question about why this took so long, I suggest, is to point out that it takes years to come up with forgeries this good.

47

christian_h 04.28.11 at 5:52 pm

Michael: “forgeries this good”: Didn’t you mean “this bad”, after all it took only 9 comments to expose them as the forgeries they are.

48

JP Stormcrow 04.28.11 at 6:07 pm

MB@45: it takes years to come up with forgeries this good.

Demonstrates how inefficient government health care will be.

And what’s the matter with “Kansas”?

49

Peter Glavodevedhzhe 04.28.11 at 6:22 pm

And riddle me this: is there even a state called “Hawaii”? Can someone show me on a map that such a place exists?

50

Salient 04.28.11 at 6:32 pm

it takes years to come up with forgeries this good.

The most time-consuming bits were talking Bill Ayers Rod Blagojevich John Maynard of Kenya Dan Rather into helping, and running the draft proofs by Cesar Chavez Jane Fonda Mephistopheles Saul Alinsky.

51

MarkUp 04.28.11 at 6:34 pm

I heard John Paul II responded to Newts question by flipping it back on him and followed up with a query about his waste line and whether or not he gets along with Cerberus.

52

mds 04.28.11 at 6:36 pm

Now Trump is on about his school records. How did this black guy get into Harvard anyway? Well, that should be it for him.

Oh, if only he could stay in it long enough to get further favorable mentions from Franklin Graham, so that the eventual booze-and-minoxidil-infused explosion could take both of them down. Because what scraps of respect I had for Billy Graham have been virtually destroyed by what a vile, mendacious little shitweasel his anointed heir has turned out to be.

53

Jeffrey C. Goldfarb 04.28.11 at 7:05 pm

54

idlemind 04.28.11 at 7:14 pm

You young folks have never had to type a paper form in a manual typewriter. The platen (the rubber roller behind the paper being typed) has to be manually turned to each line. Usually in typing, the platen is advanced by a pawl connected to that metal handle used to return the carriage and so it is reliably positioned. But in typing a form, the platen must be turned manually. It often tends to drift up or down a bit after it is positioned, yielding the unevenness seen throughout the form.

55

Davis X. Machina 04.28.11 at 7:42 pm

@ jim (#25) re warming pan.

I obviously slogged through Macaulay’s History of England thirty years ago just so I could get your joke today, so I don’t find inserting a fake article in the Honolulu Advertiser almost fifty years before it would be needed to make our Kenyan usurper eligible for the presidency far-fetched at all.

56

bfeinberg 04.28.11 at 7:56 pm

I still think we have to focus on the Donald do: think about what would happen, within helicopter range: Why are we imagining this possibility?

57

Patrick Scullin 04.29.11 at 3:39 pm

Now that’s he’s seen the birth certificate, Trump wants to see Obama’s belly button. Satire here http://bit.ly/fhnrWe

58

Ken 04.30.11 at 12:49 am

I’m having some Poe’s Law confusion here. Those of you who are so-excellently spoofing the brain-dead, congratulations. Those of you who are actually birthers (if any) – well, what can be said? Certainly nothing that would make a difference.

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