Hogging III: War on Terror edition

by Michael Bérubé on May 7, 2011

I am happy to report that all my predictions have turned out precisely as I expected: the Tampa Bay Lightning and Boston Bruins have swept their conference semifinal series, and enhanced interrogation techniques have led to the discovery and death of Osama bin Laden.

You may thank me in comments.

{ 32 comments }

1

Stephan 05.07.11 at 4:34 pm

Thanks!

2

Substance McGravitas 05.07.11 at 4:40 pm

For the sake of my hockey pool you should have predicted that Boston would lose.

3

Ken Houghton 05.07.11 at 5:36 pm

I just want to be clear–having lived in Montreal and been born in Philadelphia–that I have no connection whatsoever to Tampa, save having worked there for a few months.

4

Sherman Dorn (Tampa) 05.07.11 at 6:20 pm

Bwahaha. And Ahem.

Small tidbit of sports trivia from 35 years ago: it is a well known “fact” that if Richard Rorty hadn’t stubbed his toe before the 1976 Cup began, he would have played center in a surprise trade with Princeton, the Flyers would have had a third consecutive Cup, and Guy Lafleur would have ended up editing a very interesting volume with Quine.

Unfortunately for my loyalties, I think the Bruins will grind the Lightning underneath their vicious skates, winning in 5.

5

Michael Bérubé 05.07.11 at 8:09 pm

For the sake of my hockey pool you should have predicted that Boston would lose.

I did, in fact, state emphatically that they would lose in five games.

6

Michael Bérubé 05.07.11 at 10:27 pm

Unfortunately for my loyalties, I think the Bruins will grind the Lightning underneath their vicious skates, winning in 5.

Unfortunately for your Lightnings, I’m predicting they will beat Boston in six.

7

Substance McGravitas 05.08.11 at 1:34 am

I did, in fact, state emphatically that they would lose in five games.

RELATIVIST!

8

imajoebob 05.08.11 at 2:31 am

And it looks like Nashville will survive game 5. The all-Bettman dream final (TB-NSH) lives! (NBC Sports is trying to line up a Sunday Women’s gymnastics/figure skating doubleheader as we speak)

9

Michael Bérubé 05.08.11 at 2:47 am

I’m holding out for the Memphis-Atlanta NBA finals, as well.

10

spyder 05.08.11 at 3:41 am

Bravo on the NHL, and not so much on the OBL.

11

James Wimberley 05.08.11 at 11:56 am

“…and enhanced interrogation techniques have led to the discovery and death of Osama bin Laden.”
We have ways of making you reveal when and where you made this prediction.

12

rea 05.08.11 at 1:18 pm

With notably rare exceptions, etc.

13

Mrs Tilton 05.08.11 at 2:44 pm

What are your rates for predicting that İstanbul BB will beat Beşiktaş in the Türkiye Kupası final and Borussia Dortmund will beat Eintracht Frankfurt on the last Bundesliga match day this season? No reasonable (or even moderately unreasonable) offers refused.

14

Michael Bérubé 05.08.11 at 5:13 pm

My rates are very reasonable! I’m guessing that the match you mention, whatever it is, will be televised on the Versus channel as well?

Let me explain. I am guest-teaching at Cornell College in Mt. Vernon, Iowa for the month of May. The TV in my apartment gets 99 channels, but not Versus. There are three bars in town. One of them gets Versus, as I learned when I asked a young woman to find the Vancouver-Nashville game and watched with dismay as she scrolled endlessly down the guide, past the Spanish-language channels, the subscription channels, the porn channels, the vampire and zombie channels, until finally alighting on channel 603. Really. Channel 603.

Along with NHL hockey, Versus televises kickboxing, lawnmower racing, flameball, competitive flogging, and waterskiing squirrels. For real! Check it out.

Thank you, Gary Bettman. Everyone complains about you bringing the NHL to the South, but those are petty, regionalist, inconsequential complaints when one realizes that your real innovation consists of consigning the NHL to the most obscure reaches of cabletelevisiondom.

15

Tom Hurka 05.08.11 at 8:36 pm

A victory over the Flyers is a victory in the War on Terr0r.

16

Michael Bérubé 05.08.11 at 9:30 pm

True, but I believe the Bruins should have captured the Flyers instead of sweeping them.

17

BillCinSD 05.08.11 at 11:40 pm

Versus is way down at Channel 82 in the hockey (2010 CHL champs Rush) mad town of Rapid City SD

18

JP Stormcrow 05.09.11 at 2:26 am

Well, at least the the “right” teams won in the East. And finally a break from staying up watching late OT games. Vancouver and the Sharks *should both hang on to win, but can either of these teams perform to their talent level and win in an uncomplicated way? (Detroit just tied up went ahead of SJ with two three goals in the 3rd). But you’re undoubtedly down at the local bar in your John Deere cap–although Iowa bars can apparently get interesting for certain Michaels.

*The Sharks as both geographical and ownership (albeit in a complicated manner) heirs of the Seals should at least get some kind of psychic boost from the OBL operation.

19

JP Stormcrow 05.09.11 at 2:40 am

And on to Game 6. But I’m sure the Sharks will be calmly confident as their playoff history would befit.

20

Gene O'Grady 05.09.11 at 3:10 am

The last time I went to a lot of hockey games was the Seals. Not the Oakland Seals of Charley Finley, generally regarded as a poor joke (although they did have defensemen named Bob and Carol and Ted and Dallas at a time when that was topical), but the minor league San Francisco Seals of the early 60’s who played at the Cow Palace. They were owned by the estimable Mel Swig; the word in San Francisco when the NHL gave the franchise to Finley was that the motive was indefensible and self-defeating anti-Semitism.

Minor league hockey was sure fun.

21

Michael Bérubé 05.09.11 at 3:50 am

The Sharks as both geographical and ownership (albeit in a complicated manner) heirs of the Seals should at least get some kind of psychic boost from the OBL operation.

Except that now we see what happens when the Sharks try to “apprehend” the Red Wings in a “police action” and “bring” them to “trial,” instead of shooting on sight.

I blame Chomsky.

22

Alex 05.09.11 at 3:59 am

23

Colin Danby 05.09.11 at 6:07 am

How is the future of Cultural Studies looking?

24

Michael Bérubé 05.09.11 at 12:19 pm

Bright as ever, Colin! So bright, indeed, it needs to wear shades!

25

JP Stormcrow 05.09.11 at 2:42 pm

In the Human Rights Campaign video, Avery, wearing a white shirt and glasses, says: “I’m Sean Avery and I’m a New Yorker for marriage equality. I treat everyone the way I expect to be treated and that applies to marriage.”

Just thought Michael might want to comment.

26

Patrick (Not any Patrick who may have already commented.) 05.09.11 at 7:08 pm

Michael, I’m about 20 miles down Hwy 1 in Iowa City. You are hereby invited to watch NHL with me (and my smartarse family) any time.
If you have a dvd of this year’s Michigan/PSU game (ouch) you can make me watch it with you too, in exchange for all the grief I’ve given you for the previous years.

27

Dirty Davey 05.09.11 at 7:41 pm

It’s DirecTV. The 600s are the neighborhood for all sports channels that aren’t in the basic service tier, including a lot of regional channels (various Fox Sports (locale) and CSN (locale), some of the college conference networks, etc.).

Versus used to be the Outdoor Life Network (OLN). Apparently it’s changing again, and will have a brand that reflects its corporate relationship with NBC.

28

Michael Bérubé 05.10.11 at 4:26 pm

JP, that Sean Avery is a stand-up guy. Good to see he treats everyone equally, and will wave his stick in front of goaltenders gay and straight alike!

And Patrick, thanks for the invite, but I’ll make do for now. Besides, this teaching-every-day schedule leaves me time only for catching a period or two here and there. Like, for example, the third period of Sharks-Wings, game 5. Onward, calmly confident Sharks! There really is no problem failing to close out a dangerous opponent at home while outshooting them 42-21 and giving up three goals in the third period.

29

Patrick (the Patrick immediately above) 05.10.11 at 9:22 pm

I know about teaching at Cornell–I did a block of Shakespeare there once when the Cornell faculty member fell ill. Good students, though, and I expect they’ll warm to dangeral studies.

Good luck.

30

JP Stormcrow 05.11.11 at 2:38 am

Holy 3rd period, batman, Sharks score one, Red Wings follow with three for the 2nd game in a row. Calm, confident, jumping themselves.

31

Michael Bérubé 05.11.11 at 2:51 pm

I have now gone downtown and seen two third periods in which the Red Wings have outscored the Sharks 6-2. I’m thinking I stay home for game 7. Besides, at this point neither of these teams can beat Vancouver.

And Patrick, the students are great. I’m totally enjoying this, except for the being-away-from-family-for-all-of-May part.

32

J. Fisher 05.11.11 at 3:17 pm

The War on Terror is far from finished, not with these guys on the loose. The defeat of The Lightning will only mark a small step in ridding the world of the many terrorist training facilities in the state of Florida. Who knew we were harboring so many of them?

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