Before I leave, I thought that I would string together a list of links and quotes from non-political humor sites. Enjoy.
Seanbaby on a serial horse penis mutilator:
Criminals have rights, but I don’t think anyone’s going to argue too much if the cop that finds this one opens fire. The police captain will call the officer into his office and scream, “You’re a loose cannon, Fizketti! The mayor is not going to stand for any more of these lone wolf shootings from this precin- wait. What? He did what to four whats? Jesus Christ, I hope you washed your gun after you shot him.”
Re: The Compete Idiot’s Guide to Beanie Babies
Finally, a book about collecting lobster-shaped beanbags without all the genius baggage. Because let’s face it, before the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Beanie Babies came out, every time you bought a book teaching you how to collect stuffed animals, you looked like a pompous asshole. The clerk would ring you up, ”That will be $19. 95, and I guess you think you’re better than me, jerk. Maybe I could get you an extra bag to help carry out your ego.”
Sample Lyrics:
From his Top 20 hit, “There’s Nothing My Love Can’t Fix”: “There’s nothing my love can’t fix your ya babeeeeeaahghh-agghhhh-ahhhh-ahh.” Judging by that line, I either accidentally reviewed the Joey Lawrence Funny Noises Outtakes Album, or at the end of the first chorus, something is crawling down Joey’s throat and doing its best to kill him.
On Kathy Ireland’s book, Powerful Inspirations
Kathy does sneak a lot of uninteresting autobiographical stories in, but they all at least try to advance the message of how Jesus Christ is her best friend. He, our Lord, was even there with Kathy while she was being fired as the sexy school nurse on Saved By The Bell because she “didn’t feel like she was connecting with her character.” I found this story so moving that I incorporated it into the ending of the only Christian poem I know, “Footprints”:
“Jesus, why during my most troubling times, is there only one set of footprints in the sand next to this sexy me-shaped crater?”
“My child, when you got fired from Saved By The Bell, I was laughing so hard I dropped you.”
“Positive Movie Reviews” on Eyes Wide Shut
Kubrick was pressured by the MPAA to digitally insert black robed men in front of some of some of the hottest action in the orgy. Oddly enough, it turns out now that this scene is actually just taken from the early 1970s Marilyn Chambers hit “Behind the Green Door,” with Kubrick just sort of going nuts and digitizing in people all over the place, including the Tom Cruise character. Some speculate that this was just a project for Kubrick, around which he had to build the Cruise-Kidman plot. Apparently, he had privately been inserting computer-generated baseball players into scenes from Bangkok Bangers 3, and was hoping to get Brad Pitt and Neve Campbell to star in the 8-page, 4-hour film to be structured around this.
Positive Movie Reviews on James Bond Will Die Another Time!
LET’S face it: England’s on a roll. First they won the Falklands War, then they successfully killed that troublemaking princess, and now a new James Bond movie – Die Another Time! This is the second Bond movie (the first was The World Is Not Enough for James Bond!), which now means that it is tied with Blacula and Scream Blacula Scream as the longest-running film series in history. And this movie is so good that one is tempted to believe that this is one series that will have legs. Though of course, I said the same thing about Blacula, not realizing that it was about to be wiped out by Asianstein and Bride of Asianstein…
In Die Another Time!, Halle Berry continues the tradition of recent Oscar-winning actresses becoming Bond girls. The World Is Not Enough for James Bond! featured performances by Best Actresses Julia Roberts (as Selfa Grandizement) and Hilary Swank (as Ann Drogeny), but Halle Berry (as Jinx) is the most jubilant Bond girl ever. When she first rises up out of the water in a bikini, clutching her Oscar over her head, then breaking into tears and dedicating the award to everyone from Dorothy Dandridge to Jada Pinkett-Smith, you realize that this is a Bond film that plans to do something a little different. Bond then has sex with her.
From Old Man Murray’s review of the video game “KISS- Pycho Circus”
I say, if you’re going to go through all the trouble of hiring a lawyer to license KISS, you might as well suck it up, act like a f***ing man for once in your life, and put KISS in the game. Instead, all Psycho Circus contains are lots of itty-bitty coy references to KISS. Trouble is, (1) the word “KISS” is in the title, and (2) the box has a picture of KISS on it. In other words, the man wearing the cat makeup is out of the bag….
Off the top of my head, I can think of one million ideas for the KISS game that are better than the ones Todd McFarlane came up with. Here they are in the order I thought of them:
1. You are KISS.
2. KISS has been kidnapped by punks. Rescue KISS!The list sort of peaks with #2, so I’ll leave it at that. But you get the idea.
And Pointless Waste of Time’s Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Return of the King. Not work-safe, unless you work in a gay bathhouse.
{ 8 comments }
Rv. Agnos 12.23.03 at 6:35 pm
On the opposite topic of Political Humour, I highly recommend Terry Gross’s interview with Mort Saul (the ur-Political Humorist) on Fresh Air (NPR) today.
Besides exposing the underappreciated genius of Saul (and the underappreciated ignorance of Terry Gross, who quite clearly can’t figure out how Saul can be friendly with people he disagrees with politically), it is refreshing to hear reasoned arguments (by a leftist) that in fact Al Franken is objectively less funny than Al Haig. (This is not a set up. Saul has some great jokes by Al Haig and co.)
http://freshair.npr.org/
Harry Tuttle 12.23.03 at 7:51 pm
My Wild Irish Ireland:
Oh, Kathy. Oh, Kathy,
My wild Erin lassie
You’re not just an island to me,
With your sparkling green eyes
And skin alabaster
You’ve stolen my heart, you see.
Kathy, Kathy
My soprano lassie
I’ll adore you
Till the end of time.
Oh Kathy who squeaks
With the voice of an angel
I don’t think you’re so big of bone.
I’d like to come over and roll in your clover
And kiss your blarney stone.
Kathy, Kathy
You make me daffy
I will love you
Till the end of time
Oh Kathy, compact and
Delicious young Kathy
‘Tis only for you that I pine.
I’ll make all of your enemies die for their sins
And love you till movie sign!
A Alexander Stella 12.23.03 at 10:48 pm
After pulling up the Google search engine, I used “anti-Bush” as a search word. After clicking on the very first reference, I then clicked on the “Weblogs” hyperlink. Incidentally, nearly 400 are listed. But let’s not stop there. Underneath that list is a hyperlink to a site that does list those most important 100 weblogs, yours among them. After visiting your weblog, I got the impression you’d like reading the text between the starred blocks.
* * * *
So, the right wing has succeeded in strong-arming the CBS television network into dumping the proposed REAGANS mini-series onto some subscriber channel. What an impressive display of sheer political might. Here’s the kicker.
It was also a startling display of sheer political jealousy. A Sunday or so ago, the History Channel did a retrospective on President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, some forty (40) years after his assassination. Because I won’t be around to collect the bet, I must forgo offering this wager.
Oh, how I would love to bet five doughnuts to anybody’s three! Some sixty (60) years from now, a hundred years after JFK’s assassination, some mass media outlet will do a retrospective on the man and “Camelot”. And the institutions dedicated to his memory will be flourishing. By then, former President Ronald (a/k/a “The Great Communicator”) Reagan will have been relegated to history’s curio shoppe. Chances are, the curators of the Reagan Library will have to made ends meet by adding on a bed-and-breakfast section … maybe, a massage parlour, even.
Aaay, let’s face it. Compared against the swan that was Jackie-O, Nancy comes across like a guano-spattered shrike. That alone is enough to drive the right-wing up the wall. * * * *
Well, if you’ve come this far, you must’ve enjoyed the text between the starred blocks. Just so happens, it’s an excerpt from an article that was recently published on the Internet. Just in case, you’d be interested in reading the whole article, I’ve enclosed a hyperlink in this courriel.
Before clicking on it, though, you might like to know the hyperlink connects to an index of sorts that lists recently published articles. Furthermore, the excerpt is found in the “Yoko” piece.
Maybe, more to your interests, you might like to peruse the “Palestine” piece, for which I’ve gotten a few compliments. I’ve been told it explains, in large part, the peculiar behavior of the United States with regard to the Middle East, since the end of World War II.
And now, here’s the promised HYPERLINK.
The administrators of some websites I had visited have asked me for credentials. A reasonable enough request, I suppose. To honor such requests, I’ve replied with the following directions.
One need only pull up the Google search engine, and then insert with quotes and all this phrase “A. Alexander Stella” in the search field. After clicking on the Google Search button, your monitor screen will be filled references attached to my name.
warm regards
\
Bogey
p.s – I almost forgot to include this bit of information. The administrator for the http://www.theworriedshrimp.com website took me up on my offer to display my copyrighted and historically corrected version of the Confederate Battle Banner. So, here’s another link for your edification: http://www.theworriedshrimp.com/ToonReviews.html
When I was in the service, my ship’s captain was obsessed with “belt and suspenders”. Maybe, he had a point. And so, here’s the U.R.L undergirding the above hyperlink:
http://www.bcvoice.com/modules.php?name=News&new_topic=2
dave heasman 12.24.03 at 12:12 pm
> Mort Saul (the ur-Political Humorist)
er, that’d be Mort Sahl.
Robin Green 12.25.03 at 1:58 pm
“A Alexander Stella”‘s “contribution” is an excellent argument for pre-screening of blog posts.
nnyhav 12.26.03 at 8:46 pm
They say laughter is the best medicine.
Now science has proved that laughing is good exercise!
You know what I have to say to that?
HA! That’s right, HA!
I’ll bet those scientists think they’re pretty funny.
I can just see them, snickering in their white labcoats:
“Hey, doc! How about a sports club called ‘The Laughing Fit’?”
You can believe them if you want to, but I was born a skeptic, and I’ll die a skeptic. If I die.
Happy Boxing Day!
Anon 12.27.03 at 7:40 am
speaking of large barnyard animals, first-hand experiences with collecting for AI here
and lyrics for LOTR (the musical) can be found at http://omwh.gloria-mundi.net
seth 01.04.04 at 5:25 pm
It’s actually convenient that laughter is the best medicine, as all those seniors laughing with bitter irony at the GOP’s use of the words “Medicare reform” will at least have their laughter to keep them healthy when the program gets privatized.
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