I recommend that you check out Wonkette’s dissection of the American Conservative Union’s 40th anniversary party. If I were the conservatives, I would have ‘accidentally’ neglected to send Ms. Cox an invitation, but we can all be glad that they were less prudent. Go on, it’ll give you that “thank god I’m on the left because conservatives are a bunch of big lamers” frisson that’s so cheering when all is bleak. (No, seriously. Who’s the coolest famous conservative in America? Jonah Goldberg. That’s just sad, people.) Highlight:
9:30PM No after party? Sure, there’s an after party. It’s in the bar, and the tab is being picked up by the ACU. A dozen twenty- to thirty-somethings, drinking beer. Luminaries (LaPierre, a Virginia congressman whose name I forget, Grover) come over to have hands kissed, say hi. As the night wears on, another difference between attendees at this event and the journo-types who dominated the others (WHCD, RTCA) emerges. . . how to put this delicately? Hmmm. OK: I have not had my rack checked out so brazenly and so often since I stopped going to Cozumel for Spring Break. What is it with the cultural conservatives? They’re all Ken-Starring me and shit.
In the immortal words of Nelson Muntz, “ha ha.”
UPDATE: Sophomoric and partisan, you say? A similar party by a Democratic group would be equi-lame, you say? It’s a fair cop. But you have to admit the Jonah Goldberg thing did sting a little.
{ 40 comments }
dan 05.17.04 at 8:09 am
…because whinny, asexual Democratic political soirees are such a blast by comparison? Because no one has the temerity to politically incorrectly notice anyone’s tits?
Sophomoric partisan schadenfreude is unbecoming, Belle.
chun the unavoidable 05.17.04 at 8:40 am
I’m, despite being an English teacher, not much of a “language maven,” but I reckon that’s the worst split infinitive ever.
Belle Waring 05.17.04 at 9:18 am
Chun, the no split infinitive rule was made up by status seeking grammarians in the 1800’s and is pointlessly modelled on Latin and Greek, in which languages it is impossible to split an infinitive, as the infinitive has only one part. Split away, I say. Dan, awww, c’mon, man. Lighten up. I’m just funnin’.
chun the unavoidable 05.17.04 at 9:35 am
Belle, I did mention that I taught English, didn’t I? I’ve lectured students on the history of the split infinitive since before the drow conquered the underdark, nyeaagh.
The phrase in question, “to politically incorrectly,” is, as I wrote, the worst ever. Not even Lloth, Queen of the Demonweb Pits, could maim so. If you uttered it aloud, you’d have a d00-09 chance of summoning Iuz. Then you’d be sorry.
Belle Waring 05.17.04 at 9:50 am
Yeah, OK, it’s pretty bad. Game, set and match: Chun!
pepi 05.17.04 at 9:53 am
Yeah, what is it with the comments? a virus destroyed someone’s humour folder?
(And where is the split infinitive?)
Anyway, that Wonkette post was a blast. I especially like the Vanna White moment.
I’m just curious, is it normal for the NRA to be wherever Republicans are? Which came first, the NRA or the Conservatives?
I also love Bush announcing he’s “not giving away our leadership to foreign countries”. That’s such a relief. God forbid the Iraqis take over Iraq. It’s not like it’s their country, is it! Or the Saud family ever get investigated for 9/11. That would be surrendering way too much power to a foreign entity.
It’s also very heartwarming that Bush would be unhappy with the dependency on foreign sources of energy. It’s not like he and his administration made a fortune out of that! So who better than he would ever be suited to speak out against those big oil corporations making a profit from keeping up dictatorships and preventing other sources to even be explored as alternative.
Now, everybody, one round of applause for drilling Alaska!
…
I think I may have to readjust my understanding of the word “shameless”.
pepi 05.17.04 at 10:01 am
The phrase in question, “to politically incorrectly,†is, as I wrote, the worst ever.
Oh, I get it. I thought you were pointing to a split infinitive in Belle’s post, and couldn’t see where.
chun the unavoidable 05.17.04 at 10:10 am
The moral of Wonkette’s post, as I read it, is that, no matter where you are, you’re going to need some kind of ventilator.
chun the unavoidable 05.17.04 at 10:13 am
Upon reading more of Wonkette, I think I meant another, quite similar, word.
Kikuchiyo 05.17.04 at 10:33 am
I thought that Al Sharpton was the coolest famous conservative in America.
bryan 05.17.04 at 12:22 pm
I thought Republicans only checked out racks for use in the war on terror.
Doug Muir 05.17.04 at 12:56 pm
I’m irresistibly reminded of this piece in the Onion.
Of course, almost everything I read in the paper these days reminds me of something from the Onion — most usually that February 2001 piece (“Bush to Nation: Our Eight Year Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Over At Last”).
Anyhow.
Doug M.
Merkin 05.17.04 at 1:52 pm
They do comedy too! Sort of.
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 2:46 pm
I think Jonah Goldberg’s appeal to young conservatives is not that he’s “cool” but that he’s funny. Other (arguably) funny conservatives are P.J. O’Rourke, Andrew Ferguson, Larry Miller, and Mark Steyn.
pepi 05.17.04 at 2:53 pm
Belle, why oh why did you have to add that moral equivalence “update” bit? ;)
Besides, while I don’t doubt the lameness of these events is probably universal, I have trouble imagining anyone at a Democratic party group gala being awarded a special-edition CHARLTON HESTON rifle from the NRA while people cheer and clap. That’s rather more remarkable than the checking up business.
Besides, what’s wrong with being partisan? eh? It’s legal, and it’s required, when you go voting, no less. So, hurrah for partisanship.
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 2:57 pm
Whoops. I left out Dennis Miller.
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 3:05 pm
Pepi wrote:
“I have trouble imagining anyone at a Democratic party group gala being awarded a special-edition CHARLTON HESTON rifle from the NRA while people cheer and clap. That’s rather more remarkable than the checking up business.”
But is it more remarkable than Helen Reddy singing “I’m still an embryo with a long, long way to go” at a NARAL rally?
Chuchundra 05.17.04 at 3:33 pm
Dennis Miller is no longer arguably funny.
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 4:17 pm
Chuchundra wrote:
“Dennis Miller is no longer arguably funny.”
Well, there’s no accounting for taste. For example, I find the politically-active Al Franken about as funny as the Al Franken of the Franken & Davis or Stuart Smalley days on SNL.
DJW 05.17.04 at 4:25 pm
Nat, I happen to agree with you about Franken, but it doesn’t change anything Dennis Miller. He stopped being funny years before he became a conservative. Haven’t you heard of the “Dennis Miller ratio”?
jdw 05.17.04 at 4:37 pm
Shepherd Smith is dating Britney Spears or Tom Cruise or somebody. I don’t remember, but that’s pretty cool.
My understanding is that there was a noise complaint against Sean Hannity when he sat in his idling car outside an elementary school blasting _Sandinista_ with the windows rolled down. A police officer arrived to find him squinting and masturbating, and told him to get out of the car. Hannity leaned out the window and said, “Why do you hate America?” then hit the cop with his car door and drove off. He was stopped again two hours later doing the same thing outside an animal shelter.
So yeah, I thought the same thing. _Sandinista!_ Wicked!
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 4:49 pm
DJW wrote:
“Haven’t you heard of the “Dennis Miller ratioâ€?”
According to the semi-official source (snpp.com) it’s the “ratio of people understanding jokes (because they often have obscure references)”. Miller’s jokes do have obscure references–more obscure to some than to others. For those who understand them, the obscurity of the references is probably considered a plus rather than a minus.
bob mcmanus 05.17.04 at 5:50 pm
nat whilk is correct, and names a couple I hadn’t thought of.
Chris Buckley is kinda cool, like William om major downers.
I always think the lesser Hitchens is funny, in a bitter eclipsed sibling kinda way.
baa 05.17.04 at 7:08 pm
But who is the coolest famous leftie? Pundits, by definition, are uncool. I mean sure, Jonah Goldberg isn’t cool qua person, but he does ok for a semi-professional political writer. Am I supposed to believe that American Prospect brims with stylin’ players?
Now, you might argue that lots of known hepcats in the arts are lefties, and true enough! But really, doesn’t their political activism *detract* from their coolness? Look at Garofolo. As comic she’s a hepcat (and smokin’), as agitpropster, she’s crashingly uncool. I’d make the same (heretical, perhaps) argument abotu Jon Stewart. He’s got to be the coolest liberal out there, no? But the more he lefts it up, the less hip he becomes. If Andre3000 shows up in a Kerry ad, wouldn’t that be devastating — to him?
mm 05.17.04 at 7:19 pm
If the author finds being “checked out” by Republicans wearing, she should try a meeting of tenured Harvard faculty. Of course, I understand that in that case, we would have merely normal healthy male human behavior, not worthy of note. Which is why political partisanship is so soul-deadening: it requires that is practitioners constantly call black white, and white black, depending on who is doing it.
Paul 05.17.04 at 9:02 pm
I left out Dennis Miller.
If only Miller were as funny as that monkey. He could make a career in showbiz.
Matt Weiner 05.17.04 at 9:10 pm
mm, I believe in that case we would have sexual harassment by the patriarchical establishment. The stereotypical wicked no-fun hypocritical knee-jerking liberals do it right would only condone that as normal healthy normal male human behavior if it were based in some culture that was reasonably Other, I’m sure. If you’re going to mock us do it right!
obeah 05.17.04 at 10:19 pm
But is it more remarkable than Helen Reddy singing “I’m still an embryo with a long, long way to go†at a NARAL rally?
Please tell me this didn’t actually happen.
Nat Whilk 05.17.04 at 10:43 pm
Obeah wrote:
“Please tell me this didn’t actually happen.”
I saw it on C-SPAN several years ago. It may have been a NOW rally rather than NARAL, and the music was recorded rather than live, but, in any case, it was very odd.
Brian Weatherson 05.17.04 at 11:13 pm
If Dan thinks the only alternative to “rack-checking” is an asexual soiree, he needs to get to a better class of party. Whether the US Democrats host such parties is beyond my level of professional expertise, so maybe their parties are “equi-lame”. Maybe.
yabonn 05.17.04 at 11:24 pm
Free conservative checking out, free!
Those damn libruls noticing being checked out by the moral clarity crowd! The nerve of it!
We all know that conservatives don’t check out. They are merely unafraid to fight the librul political correctness tyranny.
And there’s no unhealthy fetishization of penis replacement. Just a defense of the second amendment.
And we’re of course not the party of sexual misery. It’s not really misery if we choose it, is it?
Damn, any normal broad should have been honored to get some attention by all these – grrrowl – steely eyed, square jawed, pry-from-my-cold-dead-hands Men, before they ride their suv in the sunset.
Did i mention clinton was bad, and the left whiny?
Thomas 05.18.04 at 2:21 am
Checking out her rack? What on earth were they thinking? More likely, considering the kind of person who goes to these events, they were checking out her nametag. Always networking.
Now, if I’d been there I’d have been checking out her ass. I hear Wonkette is really into the ass-fucking.
But she’s got a thing for Kerry’s thing, so there’s no hope for an ordinary guy like me.
Hei Lun Chan 05.18.04 at 3:07 am
So who IS the coolest famous liberal in America? Inquiring minds want to know.
a lesser mongbat 05.18.04 at 3:44 am
I’d like to point out that even Republicans like my cock.
mac 05.18.04 at 6:12 am
Dan, come on. You gotta be fair. Haven’t you seen the picture of Kerry’s daughter. (Stepdaughter?) I mean, no way anyone showed up the the ACU wearing a dress like that!
dan 05.18.04 at 6:32 am
Chun the Affected:
“I can think of two very good reasons for not splitting an infinitive:
1. Because you feel that the rules of English ought to conform to the grammatical precepts of a language that died a thousand years ago.
2. Because you wish to cling to a pointless affectation of usage that is without the support of any recognized authority of the last 200 years, even at the cost of composing sentences that are ambiguous, inelegant, and patently contorted.
It is exceedingly difficult to find any authority who condemns the split infinitive – Theodore Bernstein, H. W. Fowler, Ernest Gowers, Eric Partridge, Rudolph Flesch, Wilson Follett, Roy H. Copperud, and others too tedious to enumerate here all agree that there is no logical reason not to split an infinitive.”–Bill Bryson, Mother Tongue, 1990
Belle: Point taken.
dan 05.18.04 at 6:41 am
So who IS the coolest famous liberal in America? Inquiring minds want to know.
The coolest famous liberal in American will always be and has always been Barbarella. Or the Great Tyrant. Talk about a rack.
Or maybe the Matmos qualifies. It was sexily redistributive, anyway.
pepi 05.18.04 at 7:32 pm
But is it more remarkable than Helen Reddy singing “I’m still an embryo with a long, long way to go†at a NARAL rally?
nat – obeah stole my words in reply to that…
But, if I may defend the relative merits of anything that is _not_ a Republican/conservative convention where someone gets awarded a Charlton Heston firearm vs. anything that _is_, well… there you have it already, there’s a huge difference between tacky-trash and creepy-scary. The NRA-award stuff is more in the latter category, from my point of view.
And the President of the United States was there.
So yes, I’d say that kind of thing is definitely more remarkable.
pepi 05.18.04 at 7:40 pm
– So who IS the coolest famous liberal in America?
George Clooney?
DennisThePeasant 05.18.04 at 10:56 pm
The whole point of being a conservative is that ‘cool’ doesn’t matter, and never will.
‘Cool’ gets in the way of fun, by the way.
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