Successful commencement speakers are notoriously difficult to find. If you’re not “boring people to death”:http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2004/05/25/russert_bc_speech_stresses_values/ you are likely to be “ticking someone off”:http://volokh.com/archives/archive_2004_05_21.shtml#1085451256. With this in mind, the *Crooked Timber Talent Agency* is pleased to announce its list of *2004-2005 Commencement Speakers* to the Administrations of all interested degree-granting institutions of higher learning, high schools, kindergartens, day-care centers and also right-wing think-tanks posing as any of the above. A brief selection of our speakers follows.
*Saddam Hussein*. _Bio_: Former President of Iraq. _Speech topics_: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; outdoor living and survival skills. _General theme_: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. _Special Appeal_: Like Ted Nugent, but with broader musical fan base.
*Paul O’Neill*, *Richard Clarke*, *Richard Foster* and *Larry Lindsey.* _Bio_: Former administration officials now collectively known as “The Mayberry Quartet.” Group bookings only. _Speech topics_: The meaning of loyalty; public service as its own reward; starting a new career later in life. _General theme_: The importance of following your dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. _Special Appeal_: Barbershop quartet numbers at post-commencement reception.
*John Lott*. _Bio_: At various times very nearly on the faculty of several major universities, currently at the _American Enterprise Institute_. _Speech Topics_: Gun control in the United States and elsewhere; public policy; the dangers of the Internet. _General theme_: The importance of believing your dreams rather than the evidence, or presenting the former as the latter; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. _Special Appeal_: Much loved by graduands who faked all their physics problem sets in sophomore year.
*Ahmed Chalabi*. _Bio_: Future President of Iraq. _Speech Topics_: The glorious history of Iraq; the importance of law and order; indoor living and survival skills. _General theme_: The importance of being able to get other people to follow your dreams; causing unexpected adversity. _Special Appeal_: None.
*Judith Miller*. _Bio_: _New York Times_ reporter who as recently as a month ago was personally storing Saddam Hussein’s WMD stocks in her basement at home, according to one Iraqi scientist. _Speech Topics_: The overwhelming danger posed by Iraq; compromised sources I have known but not suspected. _General theme_: The importance of believing other people’s dreams; bouncing back from unexpected adversity. _Special Appeal_: Sincerity above all.
Many other speakers available for booking, most at short notice. Reasonable rates. Speeches guaranteed short. Email for details today.
{ 4 comments }
john bragg 05.26.04 at 11:41 am
Maybe we could pair Lott with Steven Bellesiles?
Kieran Healy 05.26.04 at 12:58 pm
I think you mean Michael Bellesiles. You’ll remember, of course, that he was forced to resign his position at Emory when his work was shown to be sloppy and likely fraudulent. You don’t see him on Op-Ed pages much these days, either.
Barry 05.26.04 at 2:21 pm
And I doubt that any ‘Institutes’ will have Michael on their staff as a ‘scholar’. Unless, of course, he sets up his own institute. Which, perhaps, says something about the AEI.
Nabakov 05.27.04 at 2:32 pm
Dick Cheney.
Bio: Big oil, big guns, big Government.
Speech Topics: Living large in the New World Order, tax shelters, POTUS wrangling, state of the art medical technology.
Special Appeal: Could drop dead in front of you.
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