Here in Singapore at the ICANN Public Forum, we’re at the end of a brutally busy week talking about how to run the Internet naming and numbering systems. It’s an event comprised almost entirely of ritual, and to understand what’s going on you need to be able to translate some of the long-loved incantations. Here are a few:
When someone says: I’m going to simplify things.
They mean: Be confused. Be very, very confused.
When someone says: I’m going to back up here.
They mean: I’m going to make up some history, now.
When someone says:I’m going to name the elephant in the room.
They mean: My next observation will be startlingly banal.
When someone says: Speaking on my own behalf. As the VP of Blah for Blah Blah Corporation, ….
They mean: I don’t want you to think about who’s paying me to be here, but you better listen because we have a lot of money, customers and power / votes, ministries and battleships.
When someone says: We need to show leadership.
They mean: I should be in charge.
When someone says: There needs to be a bottom-up process.
They mean: Nobody asked me about this.
When someone says: I want to talk about process.
They mean: Hold up. I need to consult my boss.
When someone says: I realise I’m what’s standing between you and lunch / dinner / drinks
They mean: I know you won’t like what I’m going to say. Please don’t throw anything.
When someone says: We are fixing the plane while it’s in flight.
They mean: I don’t understand what’s going on, but I know I don’t like it.
When someone says: The perfect is the enemy of the good.
They mean: Ignore everyone else’s ideas and just use mine.
When someone says: Any other comments on this?
They mean: Will everyone please, for the love of all that is holy, STFU?