Recently Pajamas Media’s own Anthony Klavan got some attention in the blogosphere with his
moronic provocative contention that men’s bad behavior, ranging from tweeting pictures of their tighty-whities to serial forcible rape, is all the fault of…women!
I blame women. No, really. Women — by which I mean each and every single member of the female gender — you know who you are — need look no further than themselves to explain why Weiner-types behave toward them in this fashion. We men are always hearing complaints from women about how badly we treat them, what pigs we are, how pushy and abrasive… on and on. But what these same women conveniently fail to mention is that this stuff really works on them!….
So, then, ladies — what do you expect? All we guys want is for you to love us. If this is the sort of guy you follow after in droves, this is the sort of guy we’re encouraged to be.
Now, it’s very likely that I’ll be assassinated by a crack team of female ninjas before I can hit “post” (they are all hot 22-year old Japanese women who may also subject me to intensive questioning, should anyone in the Valley be at a loss for movie ideas.) But I am about to reveal a huge secret here: OPPEC. That is, Other People’s Pussy Economic Consortium. Note that the “People” who own the pussy in this case are the women themselves, contrary to traditional usage. But think about it: women, taken as a whole, have control of all the pussy in the world. That is some valuable assets right there. What could be more natural than the formation of a cartel?
So, yeah, we have bi-monthly secret meetings and stuff. Sometimes pussy output among married women has to be steeply ramped down to allow for appropriate levels of sluttiness among college students. (Explains a lot, amirite?) And you’re probably thinking there are fights. It’s true that fake nails, those feather hair extensions, and big Prada sunglasses can sometimes be found on the conference room floor. Catfights are rarer than men imagine though. Women have two options and are surprisingly decisive, generally: soul-crushing social exclusion and slitting the offending chick’s throat on the spot. (Hot, drunk Scottish women are often recruited for anything involving a lot of knife work.)
Naturally there are disagreements; Natalia Vodianova, who represents both Russia and Ukraine, is often accused of dumping. Too many tall, impossibly beautiful Natashas, with cheekbones one which a man might easily break his heart, giving it up all at once can depress the value of shorter, but still gorgeous, Filipinas (represented by Riza Santos). And there is often friction between the Ethiopian and Eritrean representatives over who controls the crucial output of light, sweet African women. American women can rest assured that they are ably represented by Beyoncé, who is a canny negotiator despite the fact that the US is a net importer of pussy from Mexico and other nations, and given current trends is likely to remain so over the long term.
So, yeah, but at the end of the meetings some situations have to be handled, usually in large classes because it would take too long. Often something comes up like “53-year-old, divorced, former warbloggers who appear to have forgotten the existence of Iraq and now lurk on MRA forums and troll Pandagon” and all the ladies hit this one button in unison “BZZZZT,” and that’s it. No pussy is distributed to these guys at all.
As to why proven assholes continue to get showered with pussy, one must remember that the decisions are to an extent emergent from the mass of women, in a dictatorship of the proletariat kind of way. As such, questions such as, “is the guy hot” and “is he hung like a horse or what” and “does he spend all day repeatedly, charmingly hitting on every woman around him in a way that makes her feel special in ‘the area’” and “is the guy hot, or what seriously” come into play. And finally, as to why women allow themselves to get into the situation in which they are raped, this is a little tricky to get across, but, THEY GOT FOOLED, MOTHERFUCKER! THEY DIDN’T THINK THE DUDE WOULD RAPE THEM. THAT’S KIND OF THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING POINT. HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU ANYWAY? So, that’s pretty much it. Wait, I think I hear breaking glass downstairs, I’m just going to go check.