Staff of Life

The jews invented the fish part of fish and chips, you know.

Pointed out by a book I was reading the other day: deep-frying isn’t exactly a common technique in native english cookery, and the people present in england who do have a tradition of deep-fried battered fish is… well, your east-london jews, innit. One of those “Oh, of course” things.

So in melbourne we go and use flake and ruin it all.

she’s not just amazing, MPVA, she’s fabulist.

My Southern father said white bread was ruined forever when they discovered they could wrap it in plastic.

The French have the right idea, it should be only be eaten a few hours out of the oven.

Oh, and when I bring back the bread basket:

Put a 3- or 4-quart pot of water on to boil. Zap 1/4 cup of water in a Pyrex measuring cup for 13 seconds in microwave, to just above blood-warm. Drop in 1 T dry yeast and set aside. Put 3/4 cup water in a bigger Pyrex, add 1/3 stick unsalted pareve margarine, 4 T of good honey, 1 t of salt. Zap that for 2 minutes, until hot enough to melt the margarine. Dump the larger Pyrex into mixer bowl. Add 2 cups of flour, start bread hook slowly, just to stir. (This assumes you own a Kitchenaid; it won’t work with a cheap mixer. Kneading by hand is slower, but gets the same results.) Batter must cool to blood-warm, not hot, before other ingredients go in. By now the pot of water is boiling. Slide it into a cool oven, take off lid, close oven. You now have a warm, moist place (in any weather) that will stay that way for hours, perfect for bread to rise.

Yeast should be alive and bubbling happily by now; if not, send it to olam ha-ba and start a new batch. Toss it in the mixer; rinse the small Pyrex. Use small Pyrex to check 3 eggs for blood spots: the first two and the third white go into the mixer along with two more cups of flour. Reserve the third yolk, or at least half of it, and add 1 t of water; stir to invert the emulsion and set aside for glaze. The last 2 cups of flour require judgment; temperature, humidity, and the size of the eggs will vary the result. As the kneading continues, add 1 cup, then the last cup a quarter at a time. You’ve hit it when the dough just barely pulls off the bottom of the bowl; if it pools at the bottom, you need more flour, but if it breaks up into dry bits or seems tough, you’ve overshot (correct with a teaspoon of water). Now sit back and let the mixer do the work, about 6 minutes with a Kitchenaid, or 12-15 minutes with enthusiastic hands.

Throw the whole mixer bowl into the warm moist oven. Come back in 90 to 120 minutes. Punch down. If shabbat isn’t crowding you, give it another hour, and punch it down a second time. Lightly flour a pareve baking tray, and dump out the dough. Get it floury on all sides, so it doesn’t stick. Break it in two, repeatedly: eight little balls for two big loaves, or sixteen for two little loaves and two to freeze for next week. Roll each ball into a worm, tapered at both ends: about 18 inches long for big hallot, or 12 inches for “just the family” size. Four worms to a hallah; join 1 and 3 by the tail, and 2 and 4. The braid is the same as a havdalah candle: under two, then back over one, first from one side, then the other. Don’t pull the bottom tight; you want it to spread out flat and wide underneath.

Let finished loaves rise for one more hour, two if you’ve got time. Preheat oven to 350 degrees (make sure pot of water is out!) while you paint your loaves with egg glaze. (Synthetic brush, please.) Add seeds if you like them, maybe one loaf sesame and the other poppy for contrast. Bake for 25-30 minutes for 4 small loaves, or 35-40 minutes for two big ones. Let rest for 5 minutes, turn over and let the bottoms steam for 5 minutes more, then cover for the table. (The hallah gets insulted if it sees me bless the wine first.) B’teavon!

That was six cups of flour in all, in three batches of two. Rereading, I saw I’d been ambiguous and I could be misread as a total of only four. You’d know you had it wrong when it looked like pancake batter, of course.

By the way, “Burton” is really hard to spell in Hebrew in a way that reliably gets the correct pronunciation (and not “Barton”) from native speakers. Bet-vav-resh-tet-vav-nun was what I finally had them put on my office door; it was that, or change it back to my grandfather’s unlamented Budansky.

I can’t find any videos of “the easy way” as I know it. Number the positions, not the strands, left to right. At the end farthest from you, join the tip of 1 to 3, then 2 to 4. Tuck 4 under 3 and 2, then bring it back over 2. Tuck 1 under 2 and 3, then bring it back over 3. Repeat the last two steps until you run out of rope. Join the ends pairwise (1 and 3, 2 and 4) at the end near you. This braid has four rows of “bumps,” two above and two below. Do the “under” part of the tuck loosely enough so that the below bumps splay out to the sides and make a wide bed for the above bumps to sit proud on.

Nowadays you can get great tomatoes almost anywhere, if you’re not stingy. But Israeli-grade cucumbers are still surprisingly hard to come by in the diaspora, contra Numbers 11:5; even in foodie places like Berkeley, it’s hit or miss. Ask those Birthright kids for their fondest memory of the trip, and you’ll hear a lot about salad.

Yep, those are the ones. I mentioned it just because there are a surprising number of heirloom tomato snobs who have never had a real cucumber and think they’re in the salad for decoration. Sweet onions, not too many, about 4/4/1 with the tomatoes and cukes. Lemon juice, never vinegar; good olive oil, a pinch of salt and lots of za’atar.

Re: braiding – I recommend the Cooks Illustrated trick to stack two simple braids. (I.e. take 2/3 of the challah dough, form into a simple 3-string braid, brush with eggwhite, form another 3-string braid from the rest of the dough, stack on top and brush again.

This gives the bread a beautiful structure even when you’re using very soft dough (which makes for better challah). (Also, if you’re being traditional and you do two loafs you get a total of 12 strings for the 12 tribes).

I find challah quite robust to changes in recipe – I prefer melted butter, but olive oil is a very nice twist, too, for example. Given the wonders of modern yeast, the rising times can be reduced quite a bit – in a pinch I’ve started challah at 5 and even 5.30 for a 6.30 dinner etc. The one thing that I’ve found hardest is not overbaking it. I bake hotter than Joshua – at ~375F/190C to get a nice crust without overbaking the interior. Then I use a quick-read thermometer to test whether the bread is done – tapping on the bottom will do for regular bread, but it’s way to imprecise here. You’re looking for 170F/75C.

Also bear in mind: “The following three things a person should neither walk between, nor let them come between him and another man: Dogs, palm trees, and women.”

“I wonder how coke and root beer compare as ham cooking liquids.”

Coke is superior to root beer. Dr. Pepper is superior to both. Don’t limit yourself to pork either – slow cook a brisket with Dr.P and something vinegar based (chile sauce, ketchup, worscestershire….) soft as butter and kosher too.

You want a little glimpse into how my mind works?
Sort of huh?
I thought, reading the OP, well I’ll just bop in there lightning slim and say
“I’m just waiting for the Miracle Whip”
and smugly swiftly go on to other more substantial internet pursuits not involving food.
And there it went already at Timberman comment 9 or something.

So okay.
Aunt Penny’s White Sauce?
Not bread related unless we’re making SOS, or any one of umpteen other essential nutrition gravy-centric winter meals (anything gravied-up on top of noodles any kind), in which it is the greasy rich smooth hearty ambrosial sine qua je nes sais of quick comfort eating.
It is winter. It is my birthday.
Right now today.
Last trip to the store they had discontinued AuntP’sWS.
The only store in 100 miles of here that had it to begin with.

How long, Lord, how long?

I got some Uneeda biscuits
and a half a pint a gin.
Uneeda biscuits and a half a pint a gin.
The gin’s all right,
but the biscuits gettin a little thin.

Thou shalt not feed the trolls was a regrettable omission from Exodus.

It’s a bit later, in Numbers 11, and the advice is just the opposite: feed them until it comes out their nostrils, then disemvowel them while they’re still chewing. I can work with that.

But seriously, Josh, google “Jews” and “white bread” and then scroll past the crap about Nazis. You are in dire need of some culture.

@Roy:

Mao was abb1. I have no theories about Hector.

Seedless rye.

Really? abb1 used to go on constantly about “Zionazis.” Mao never did that. Unless you have some inside information I don’t see the connection.

Writing style, the way arguments were framed, the practically libertarian naiveté.

My grandparents always ate seedless rye — almost always. I buy it in their honor and also because I like it better than almost any store-bought bread.

MPAVictoria at 9:44 pm
there are no genuine trolls. all trolling is a deception, all of it is false praxis. e
ven the condemnation of trolls and trolling is in its stripped nature a falsifying-through-identification-of-the-false.
the sack of the troll persona is open at both ends. meaning and identity, pushed toward it, will simply fall through.
it exists, like the sea anemone only not stuck to a rock, to filter the bits of nutrients available in the tidal flux of human discourse.
even the moderation of, even the banning of, trolls, is simply an elaboration onto and an extension out upon the false praxis of trolling.
the immune response to a disease is a part of the constellation of the disease.
the sincerest fire of outrage against the troll partakes of the spectacle of the troll’s manufactured image, replacing the artifice of trolling intentionality with an authoritative finality that has no substance without the troll’s essential deception as and in its foundation.
which has itself in its originating core a refusal of the truth of genuine discourse.
that refusal of the genuine making the assumption of any deeper genuinity, even genuine falsity on the part of the troll, impossible to construct without resort to the troll’s original duplicity, at least such as would be necessary to begin the task of construction.
this is ultimately the most pernicious aspect of the troll’s position in modern discourse.
one must pretend to not see them and their work, a response by false practice whose effect is an emptying out of the mind’s necessary processes of accumulation, or one must engage the troll in an equality of granularity. but as we have shown this is itself a non-genuine act.

Although being a quasi-vegetarian limits me anyway.

Roy:

It is by trolls alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the trolls of web that thoughts acquire speed, that blogs acquire comments, the comments become a warning. It is by trolls alone I set my mind in motion.

Belle: ever use Martha White self-rising flour with lard/butter and milk for biscuits? I only say this in part because (i) I’ve made them and they are wonderful though I can’t find MW flour anymore in Wisconsin and (ii) my mom wanted to name me Martha if I had been a girl. In my youth she used Loretto (small town TN) self-rising flour (no longer available–jeez–not since the 70s) for the biscuits and red gravy from that same flour and bacon grease. I have her WW-II era biscuit-cutter and it gives her form to my paltry imitations. Bread of life? Literally there is no figurative.

I remember mayonnaise made from scratch in Italy, beaten by hand (with a fork) for half an hour. It is festive fare. Thick, deep yellow, and redolent of olive oil. But when I tried to make it myself with a blender it didn’t work, assurances from the cookbook that it was easy as pie notwithstanding.

I find Hellmans fine for every day. It may not be the real thing, but it is what it is, and it is perfect for tuna salad and not bad with French fries, if one is so inclined. Hellmans must have found the “bliss point” recipe.

Durkees Famous Sauce is good too, especially with whole wheat bread sandwiches. On the whole, for various reasons, these days, however, except for a piece of toast at breakfast I have cut way down on bread — in sandwiches or in any other form — and find I don’t miss it.

Mayonnaise (the commercial kind, which is all I’ve ever tasted) is one of the few things that
(a) I don’t like
(b) is clearly bad for me

Since (b) is unlikely to change, even with a homemade recipe, I’d better not try it for fear that it will affect (a)

I remember one time when Sawicki was talking about BBQing pork ribs and I said, “It doesn’t matter how you cook the ribs, you’re still going to jew hell.” Boy howdy he got pissed for a second but it was still funny.

No doubt part of it was guilt.

A super quick, super good coleslaw is to take the following:
– A sliced cucumber
– Thin matchsticks of carrot
– Thinly sliced small head green cabbage
– Thinly sliced red pepper
– Put everything in a glass or ceramic
– Sprinkle with a hefty shake of kosher salt — mix it up — add more salt
– Pour white vinegar all over the mess and toss again
– Put in the fridge for the day and it is great for the week
Also, you can use more or less of the vegetables. And it looks pretty!

This is SUPER with BBQ.

Which is passed, isn’t it? Oh, well.

Belle — #4 must have been why I was thinking it! Also, Aioli+Mustard is the bomb.

@71: I am right that “biscuit” means something different in British English vs. (Southern States) American English? In British English, “biscuit” refers to what the Americans would call a cookie. But I think in the southern US “biscuit” refers to what the British would call a scone (softer, thicker, and less sweet than a cookie, and possibly with optional sultanas in it).

By co-incidence, I was planning to bake soda bread today.

And the above discussion reminds me why I use olive oil as the fat in my bread recipes … the traditional recipe I’m working from would call for butter, but I avoid it in case anyone is vegan .. and it also avoids including milk, for kashrut reasons.

(I am part-Jewish by maternal descent, but not religiously observant. So I don’t care, but sometimes people I am cooking for do.)

“I am part-Jewish by maternal descent, but not religiously observant. So I don’t care, but sometimes people I am cooking for do.)”

The mark of an excellent host! :-)

roy belmont @40: “Mao was abb1. I have no theories about Hector.”

For better or for worse, Hector has always been Hector. Years ago (Sullivan/ Kelley era, roughly) I was guilty of the thought-crime of subscribing to TNR (to be fair to myself, their cultural stuff, which is what I was mainly interested in, was rather good). Their website, in the late ’90s, is where I first became aware of the online comment world. Hector was on almost every thread, carrying on with the same old crap. I always wondered why so many bothered to engage him. He was still there when I stopped subscribing in the early post 9-11 period (when the magazine really went off the rails).

Ed Herdman @51: “I hate coleslaw generally, but nice coleslaw on pulled pork is pretty great . . .”

Plain old (mustard, pickle, onion) cheeseburgers are awesome with cole-slaw. I always have slaw put on my S&S steakburgers. Johnny Rocket’s CBs come with slaw (and everything else), and they are sinfully delicious— and about one million calories, unfortunately.

I make my slaw the easy way: Buy a bag of pre-cut (cabbage, carrot), add some finely chopped parsley, salt, and freshly ground black pepper (a lot), and use T. Marzetti “Traditional” cole-slaw dressing. Easy, but damn’ near perfect. I love to cook, but I don’t like to waste time preparing things you can find excellent versions of in the supermarket, so I don’t make salad dressings. In addition to the cole-slaw dressing, T. Marzetti’s “Ultimate Blue Cheese” (iceberg wedge w/ tomato, craisins, and bacon bits, for steak dinners; and don’t forget the cab or malbec!), “Supreme Caesar”, and “Sweet Italian”, which are the ones I use, are excellent.

On the subject of mayo, I’ve tried many kinds including home-made, and Hellman’s (olive or canola oil versions) is, for me at least, as good as any. In Latin America (my wife is from Lima, and we spend a good deal of time there), mayo with lime juice (mayonesa) is popular. Hellman’s makes a version, but it makes more sense to just add fresh lime juice yourself.

Best roasted/ baked/ rotisseried chicken dipping sauce ever: seven or eight parts Hellman’s, one part lime juice, one or two parts (more or less, to taste) green chile habanero. Nuke a few seconds and fork-blend until very smooth. Brings new life to even the driest breast meat. This is very similar to the delicious pale-green sauce that is served in the pollo de la brasa places all over Lima.

A note on biscuits:

The best I have had, I remember from childhood. My black irish/ 1/8th cherokee maternal grandmother (Mississippi dirt farm born and raised) used a lot of lard and all-purpose white flour and baked in a thin steel pan in a hot wood-fired oven. Brown almost to scorched on top and bottom, smoky hot and fluffy on the inside. Now that was a biscuit.

The memory of these biscuits has inspired me to invention: In the not-too-distant future (a couple of years after I retire, which I plan to do in a few months), my wife and I intend to re-locate to Lima and open a modest-sized restaurant (it’s the thing to do there for ex-pats). I aim to reproduce grandma’s biscuit recipe as nearly as I can and serve them with my excellent (if I may say so) white gravy (The secret: brown the flower almost to scorching in plenty of bacon grease, with plenty of salt and black pepper, before adding the milk. It won’t be white, but it will be good.). The invention part, or coinage, actually, will be my name for the dish: las biscuitas y salsa blanca. Really hoping that someone hasn’t already coined the term biscuitas! If not, then, this mention is my claim to priority!

True biscuit story (biscuit story that is true): My dad was a teenager in WWII (barely missing the draft when turning 18 in 1945) and, like my mom, grew up dirt poor. During rationing, most lard was sold to the government. The government gave out mineral oil as a substitute (plenty of that from TX, OK). The first time my grandmother used it, she baked up a huge batch of biscuits using liberal amounts of the stuff (in those days country folk loved their food swimming in grease of one kind or another; recall the flour and fat-back grease gravy— no milk!— in “The Grapes of Wrath”). Damn’, those were some good effing biscuits. Disaster for the whole family. Remember Olestra? That mineral oil was the same thing, but worse.

And they only had a one-hole outdoor toilet!

[BTW, I hope “Woody” isn’t monitoring this thread. I am sure he would think that talk of biscuits and gravy and mayonnaise is at about the same level of triviality as pop music.]

js 79-
What I saw of abb1’s (not Mao’s) increasingly abused and eventually banned presence was that the scorn and abuse was a lot more due to the voicing of sincerely held unacceptable opinions than to the bratty incoherence of obnoxious craziness.
A consistent feature of a lot of “polite” discourse, here and elsewhere, and the often vicious response to what it finds outrageously insulting to its perceived moral superiority, is the whistling innocent ignoring of what that vicious response can cause in its targets. Including the weight of negativity in consequent reaction.
abb1’s defense of his position on the I/P nightmare for example. It’s entirely missing from your dismissal of crazy trollishness. Steady patient rebuttal to increasingly hysterical shrieking accusations of anti-youknow.
I saw that. Repeatedly.
It was a dark time.

@80
I hate to be the one to remind you Roy but you spent the better part of 500 comments defending an obvious racist and homophobe. So please forgive me if I do not take you opinion on trolls very seriously.

Correction: “kinda proud.” Also, the blog’s heading is “proud member of the troll community.” See what I mean about entertaining? What, you don’t?

Roy you and I obviously have very different interpretations of what you were doing in that thread. Anyway it was a bad impulse on my part to bring it up as it was not really on topic. So my apologies to all.

Challah also kind of sucks.

I really miss Max.

A comment re the earlier bread recipes: both call for dissolving the yeast in liquid. This used to be necessary, for cake yeast and active dry yeast, but now that instant yeast is so readily available (at least in the US), there is no need complicate breadmaking with this extra step. Just add the yeast to the dough.

No, no, no. If the yeast jar (or envelope) was improperly stored before purchase, or has aged out in your fridge, it may be dead and you won’t find out until too late. How hard is it to proof it for three or four minutes, just in case, while the other ingredients are mixing?

I’m gone.

I make my own apple pie, thank you, and I don’t need any help from disagreeably heavy and cloying non-flavors.

“Your comment is awaiting moderation,” so I guess I might as well dump it here:

Therefore gird up your minds and fix your hopes calmly and unfalteringly upon the boon that is soon to be yours, at the re-appearing of Maxspeak.

Alan White @102:

If you’re in Lima some three or four years from now, remind me of this thread, and we’ll comp you a dinner with all the trimmings. We are going to call the place Irene y Rosa after our yank and peruana mothers.

If you like red meat (and I do mean red!), I can do a wicked rib-eye as well.

William Berry – after reading your excellent post, I was forced to go out and get Peruvian BBQ takeout and came home with a whole chicken, quinoa salad, golden potatoes and extra sauce containers of sauce. My family thanks you!