CNN reports:
Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion [Harry Whittington, a millionaire attorney from Austin] during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.
I have an image in my mind of what the standoff was like. Cheney is grimacing. Whittington is staring down the barrel of a pellet-loaded shotgun.
*Cheney*: Wanna know what I’m buyin’ Ringo?
*Harry*: What?
*Cheney*: Your life. I’m givin’ you that quail so I don’t hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
*Harry*: I’m a lawyer. What do you think?
*Cheney*: Good point. But there’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the donors through the valley of porkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost loopholes. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my campaign contributors. And you will know I am the Unitary Executive when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin’ that shit for years. Especially at chicken suppers hosted by Militias. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some cartoons this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. Shotgun here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of porkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Especially Al Qaeda and Saddam. And Iran. Also France. Maybe I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the big donor. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Harry. I’m tryin’ real hard to –”
BANG!
*Cheney:* Ah, goddammit!
*Harry*: Arghhh! My face! You shot my face!
*Cheney*: Somebody call Rove. We’ll say he fell while eating a pretzel on a mountain bike or something. It’s worked before.
*Quail-o-mat Update*: “Firedoglake”:http://firedoglake.blogspot.com/2006_02_12_firedoglake_archive.html#113979161048562241 quotes from some more in-depth descriptions of nature of the hunting they were up to when this happened Cheney favors. In terms of required difficulty and skill, think of what these guys were doing as “hunting” in the same sense that you might go hunting for a donut on the way to work tomorrow morning. Benj Hellie “accurately describes”:http://leiterreports.typepad.com/blog/guest_bloggers_hellie_and_wilson/index.html the ill-fated trip (Cheney’s, not the donut quest) as “less a hunting trip than a visit to an all-inclusive bird murdering theme resort.” It’s astonishing that the VP was able to hit something _other_ than one of the hundreds of tame birds released for his shootin’ pleasure.
*Only Peppered but Still in the ICU Update*: “More reasonable questions from firedoglake”:http://firedoglake.blogspot.com/2006_02_12_firedoglake_archive.html#113984118736473358 on what exactly happened. Interesting to learn that Cheney always has an ambulance on call.
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jacob 02.12.06 at 6:11 pm
When can we start the Aaron Burr jokes?
Oskar Shapley 02.12.06 at 7:06 pm
It’s more like the guy they shot in the car. Somebody call The Wolf:
Jimmie: I can’t believe this is the same car.
The Wolf: Well, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet.
will u. 02.12.06 at 7:34 pm
The Wolf = Paul Wolfowitz, clearly.
Bro. Bartleby 02.12.06 at 7:43 pm
The 24 hour pause? The telephone call to Teddy:
Dick: Now what?
Teddy: You have 24 hours to come up with something, a minute over and then ‘you’ set precedence and you’ll be free game.
Dick: Thanks Ted, and thank god I didn’t have to swim out of this mess.
Teddy: Tell me about it. Well, the clock is ticking … and by the way, did you know that the insurance covered the water damage to that 67 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
Dick: A Delta 88!? You know what that would be worth today!
Teddy: Tell me about it … my loss.
'As you know' Bob 02.12.06 at 8:50 pm
It’s kinda interesting that ALL the headlines report this as an “accidental” shooting. Has there actually been time to hold an inquest to determine that?
Or does the press simply repeat whatever the WH tells them? The 24-lag is kinda interesting, too: were they waiting to see if the guy was going to die, to see if they could cover it up?
I first heard this story on the radio, where they were talking about “Cheney shooting at Quayle”, and really thought we had stumbled into Renoir’s “Rules of the Game”.
Oskar Shapley 02.12.06 at 9:06 pm
Maybe it was a duel? Was Zell Miller also there? The possibilites are endless. Or maybe it was kind of like the Fight Club, but with guns. Lotsa guns.
P O'Neill 02.12.06 at 9:12 pm
How soon before an eager winger is comparing the dude’s wounds to those that the Swift Boaters said John Kerry got in Vietnam?
freddie 02.12.06 at 9:29 pm
And they called Bush The Dummy? This may well be the only time Cheney was a straight shooter. Guns don’t shoot people, Vice presidents do.
watertiger 02.12.06 at 9:36 pm
It really IS The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight.
Barry Freed 02.12.06 at 9:43 pm
Sorry Kieran, no matter how it all ends, Dick ain’t ever going to have what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity.”
Mansa Musa 02.12.06 at 9:59 pm
Word is, the Veep’s steamed.
Sources quote him as saying, “I’ve never missed before” and “The wily bastard ducked.”
BadTux 02.12.06 at 10:43 pm
Maybe it’s a good thing that the Bigus Dickus DID have “other priorities” during Vietnam. Or, y’know, the body count might have been even higher — on our side.
– Badtux the Snarky Penguin
ben alpers 02.12.06 at 10:45 pm
To be fair this “all-inclusive bird murdering theme resort” fits into a grand tradition of royal and aristocratic hunts. There’s a section early in Keith Thomas’s Man and the Natural World that describes typical early modern royal hunts in which animals would essentially be tied to a tree, the royal party would gallivant around the forest a bit, and then would eventually be led to the unfortunate creature, which the king would then have the honor of offing. IIRC, this sort of thing survived longer on the Continent than in England, thus providing us with a century of horrified accounts from English travelers of similar “hunts.” One story Thomas tells involves a “wild” boar in Italy who had been hand-raised since piglethood. When the day of the hunt arrived, the huntsman rode the party into a clearing, whistled, the boar came running looking for its meal, only to get summarily slaughtered.
Barry Freed 02.12.06 at 10:54 pm
One story Thomas tells involves a “wild†boar in Italy who had been hand-raised since piglethood. When the day of the hunt arrived, the huntsman rode the party into a clearing, whistled, the boar came running looking for its meal, only to get summarily slaughtered.
Now truly that was a cold cut.
*ducks*
the cubist 02.12.06 at 10:55 pm
In the old armed services, when an officer could no longer handle his weapon safely, he was forced to resign.
fnook 02.12.06 at 11:17 pm
Cheney = gravitas. Heh.
Honestly, I wonder if Cheney ever actually took a hunter safety course when he was a kid? Might help explain this suspicously sloppy sounding incident. Hope the rich lawyer has a safe recovery…
Bro. Bartleby 02.12.06 at 11:37 pm
So, as ‘deputy’ Commander in Chief, do we convene a court-martial? They sure did when one of my fellow soldiers accidentally fired his weapon.
P O'Neill 02.12.06 at 11:42 pm
To be fair this “all-inclusive bird murdering theme resort†fits into a grand tradition of royal and aristocratic hunts.
Indeed. Include Nicolae Ceausescu .
Tom - Daai Tou Laam 02.13.06 at 1:30 am
To be fair this “all-inclusive bird murdering theme resort†fits into a grand tradition of royal and aristocratic hunts.
But not bear hunting by Republican Presidents. cf the Teddy Bear.
Pooh 02.13.06 at 1:47 am
#1 try this.
Funnily, all day I’ve been thinking of Pulp Fiction as well, but I was going more with the “Aww, man, I shot Marvin in the face” scene.
josh 02.13.06 at 1:58 am
You know, every now and again, you’re reminded — aside from all that one can say about their use or abuse of power — just how _weird_ the folks running our country are …
abb1 02.13.06 at 2:31 am
Maybe it was a dramatic kick-off of the tort reform campaign.
Barry Freed 02.13.06 at 2:43 am
Steve Gilliard suggests this “hunting mishap” occurred while the VP was playing a round of “The Most Dangerous Game.” Guess Whittington failed to keep up his Pioneer status this year.
almostinfamous 02.13.06 at 4:14 am
from here
what, she thought they were playing paintball or something??
Fence 02.13.06 at 4:16 am
Nicely done. I’ve quoted you, hope you don’t mind?
If you do let me know and I’ll take it down.
Dave F 02.13.06 at 6:25 am
This is extremely lame as an attempt at satire. You don’t have the talent for it. Hamhanded is the best description. Satire requires a cutting wit and a light touch. Alas, you have neither.
soru 02.13.06 at 7:03 am
Well, it requires that, or just really really good material to work with.
Which comedians could make this not funny?
soru
DC 02.13.06 at 7:03 am
Nice critique Dave!
abb1 02.13.06 at 7:27 am
Yes, funny critique from Dave F. The word ‘hamhanded’ kinda turns it back to the subject, making the comment slightly nabokov-ish, but the rest is unnecessary. Should’ve been simply: “this attempt at satire is as hamhanded as the veeps’ shot.” Or somethin’.
MikeN 02.13.06 at 7:44 am
Actually, the quote from Firedoglake refers to a Cheney hunt from 2003. This one, I think, was more of a sporting-type affair- I mean, with vehicles to drive you right up to the site and all.
Kieran Healy 02.13.06 at 8:03 am
This is extremely lame as an attempt at satire. You don’t have the talent for it.
Comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well… well, actually, it’s a little more than just a hobby. Reader’s Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes. Perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for fun.
Oskar Shapley 02.13.06 at 8:45 am
Calling it a hunt is an insult to hunters. Where’s the risk or difficulty here? If Dick feels the urge to kill something warm and fluffy, he could have had as well broken the neck of a white bunny. Or shot a gopher.
jet 02.13.06 at 9:01 am
“Where’s the risk or difficulty here?”
Obviously from his fellow hunting party.
And abb1, that was brilliant.
Bob B 02.13.06 at 9:31 am
Why doesn’t George W ever go on quail shoots with the VP or is that just a silly question with an obvious answer?
anon 02.13.06 at 9:39 am
The headline I would have liked to see:
“Bush may shoot endangered species, but Cheney shoots old war hawks.”
Daniel 02.13.06 at 10:29 am
Steve Gilliard suggests this “hunting mishap†occurred while the VP was playing a round of “The Most Dangerous Game
hmmmm, it is certainly unlikely to calm down the more lurid rumours surrounding Cheney at the David Icke site.
Joshua W. Burton 02.13.06 at 11:02 am
It’s time to start calling him Dick the Butcher. Is our children learning Shakespeare?
Long Sunday 02.13.06 at 11:38 am
[…] Readers will certainly recall the chapter, “Q is for Quail”, from George W. Bush’s Amazing Alphabet Book of the Contemporary World, or Al-Qaedas All Around (illustrated by Paul Wolfowitz). The chapter, like the chapter on democracy in Spinoza’s Political Treatise, strangely trails off: “See Dick shoot […]
bob mcmanus 02.13.06 at 12:13 pm
Used to be aristocrats had plenty of expendable peasants to do the flushing and retrieving. We obviously need to extend Bush’s tax cuts.
me2i81 02.13.06 at 5:43 pm
Interesting to learn that Cheney always has an ambulance on call.
I was at a cafe in Berkeley when veep-at-the-time Al Gore rolled up. He had an ambulance in his motorcade. I think it’s SOP.
Pooh 02.13.06 at 7:17 pm
“Comedy is a kind of hobby of mine. Well… well, actually, it’s a little more than just a hobby. Reader’s Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes. Perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for fun.”
Kieran, that’s a genius pull.
I’m guessing Whittingham did not realise that he “had entered a region beyond sight and sound. He had entered…the Demilitarized Zone.”
Gene O'Grady 02.13.06 at 8:40 pm
Re ambulance available — having worked with the security people in a medical center which was not infrequently on call for local visits by a previous president it definitely is just part of the way things are done.
jet 02.13.06 at 9:43 pm
To cut the the VP a little bit of slack, bird hunting can be extremely dangerous if you don’t watch your field of fire. When you fire on a bird, it is usually fairly close to you and moving quickly. If the bird is not coming directly at you or away from you, then you are swinging your line of sight rapidly to the left or right, and you can shift by 90 degrees in as little as a second while trying to lead the bird. So that person to your left and a little behind you can quickly come into sight right as you think you have your lead.
On the other hand, quail are flushed from the ground and usually fly directly away from you. But they do stay close to the ground which explains how someone 30 yards away was shot.
And anyone who hunts with a 28 gauge is either a crack shot or is giving even caged animals a very sporting chance.
readyontheright 02.14.06 at 2:33 pm
It depends on what the definition of “shot” is.
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