3. “When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a meat lovers pizza in his hands.” (Chandler)
4. Never use a verb other than “ejaculated” to carry the dialogue, eg. “’I don’t really know what to say to you, Ivan Ivanych,’ Nastasya Petrovna ejaculated tearfully.” (Chekhov)
5. Use as many exclamation points as possible! No! Really! Do! ! !
Feel encouraged to suggest others in comments. Via MJH.