On The Upside, He Looks Less Like Skeletor Than Giuliani Does

by Belle Waring on June 27, 2007

Why are people trying to convince me that Fred Thompson is sexy? A lock for the Republican nomination, OK—I feel that since all the other candidates have some truly fatal flaw, and since ol’Fred has been conveniently out of office during the late unpleasantness of the Bush II era he’ll get the nomination by default. I even think he could make a decent candidate in the general election, but sexy ladies man who’s going to Smoove B my vote by freaking me gently all election cycle long? I think not.

“Fred is a perfect example of chivalry. He’s the kind of man little girls dream about marrying, who opens doors for you, lights your cigarettes, helps you on with your coat, buys wonderful gifts. It’s every woman’s fantasy.” Thompson, who wooed Baroness Thatcher [?!—Belle] during a visit to London last week, is expected to announce officially next month that he is running for president. He is already challenging Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York, for first place in polls of likely Republican voters.

Morgan remembers encouraging Thompson to run for president when they were together. “I think he has a great chance of capturing the women’s vote. He’s majestic. He’s a soft, safe place to be and that could be Fred’s ticket. Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us,” she said.

First of all, are women voters, taken as a whole, really so much like retarded kittens in our motivations? And secondly, doesn’t Fred Thompson pretty much look like a basset hound who’s just taken a really satisfying shit in your hall closet? Finally, even if we restrict our field of play to Republicans who have played prosecutors in the later seasons of Law and Order, I would much, much rather have sex with Angie Harmon, even though I’m not gay. Think about it. So, no sale. Via RedState

{ 58 comments }

1

Russell Arben Fox 06.27.07 at 2:09 pm

“Doesn’t Fred Thompson pretty much look like a basset hound who’s just taken a really satisfying shit in your hall closet?”

There is no need to comment on this thread. There will be no need to comment on this thread. This. Is. Perfect.

Please tell me someone is hiring you to write copy for one of the Dem candidates, Belle.

2

John Emerson 06.27.07 at 2:21 pm

Screw you, Fox. Who died and made you God?

In the past I have wrongly described Thompson’s wife as jailbait, a bimbo, a trophy wife, etc. I regret this error, which was caused by one of those optical illusion thingies.

To me Thompson looks like a horrible old man with a sagging face. But he has a kind of magic which makes any woman standing beside him seem to be a jailbait bimbo trophy wife. Mrs. Thompson is actually 40.

Mrs. Thompson jailbait bimbo trophy wife optical illusion.

3

Delicious Pundit 06.27.07 at 2:25 pm

Who died and made you God?

Jesus?

Anyway, outstanding Smoove B shoutout. Maybe all Fred Thompson speeches should begin with, “Girl, let me break it down for you.”

4

otto 06.27.07 at 2:36 pm

Let’s get the important things right: Jill Hennessy (‘Claire Kincaid’), obviously, not Angie H., though of course Jill was a bit earlier in the franchise.

5

Russell Arben Fox 06.27.07 at 2:39 pm

Who died and made you God?

Jesus?

Not an entirely inaccurate summation of the Mormon doctrine of exaltation, there, but somewhat lacking in detail. Still, thanks for the props.

To me Thompson looks like a horrible old man with a sagging face.

Which is why the basset hound thing is perfect.

6

croatoan 06.27.07 at 2:40 pm

Basset hounds have hair. He’s bald as a cue ball, and we haven’t elected a bald President since Eisenhower (pre-TV era).

More photos of Mrs. Thompson.

7

justin 06.27.07 at 2:47 pm

Jill Hennessy: not a Republican

8

otto 06.27.07 at 2:53 pm

I hope not!

9

P O'Neill 06.27.07 at 2:55 pm

It partly reflects some weird equation of “gravitas” with “sexy”, the former itself an only-in-punditland concept as for example, it is also considered to be a characteristic of Dick “4th Branch” Cheney. While the pundits have managed to find some actual women to source their Fred admirings, I think it’s also transference of a male pundit Daddy complex that they don’t want to admit to onto a more plausible source. The kind of people who assured us in 2000 that the “grown-ups” were now in charge.

10

aaron_m 06.27.07 at 2:55 pm

I would much, much rather have sex with Angie Harmon, even though I’m not gay. Think about it.

OK, I am thinking about it:

– productivity down

– d’oh!

11

ogged 06.27.07 at 3:08 pm

One thing to keep in mind is that Thompson looks old and frail lately. Five, ten years ago, he had the deep-voiced, courtly, gravitas thing going, and that’s what people are thinking of when they talk him up.

12

Ginger Yellow 06.27.07 at 3:10 pm

I have to say that Thompson scares me more than any of the other Republican candidates, not because of this bizarre supposed sexiness, but because he’s the only candidate who isn’t obviously insane or espousing obviously insane policies. As you say, he doesn’t have the Bush II baggage and unlike Romney or Giuliani the base think he’s the second coming of Reagan conservatism so he doesn’t have to overcompensate by trying to be more right wing than the wingnuts.

13

Ken Houghton 06.27.07 at 3:13 pm

Heck, forget the Harmon/Lowell/Hennessey/Rohm etc. question.

I’m betting you’d pick Steven Hill (“Adam Schiff”) over “White House Chief of Staff Harry Sargent.”

14

Hogan 06.27.07 at 3:30 pm

These are the people who were telling us in 2002-3 what a sex machine Donald Rumsfeld is, right? So, you know.

15

johnt 06.27.07 at 3:31 pm

Belle, Angie Harmon? Well it could have been Hillary Clinton and her Expando pants suits so something may be said for your taste.
And speaking of basset hounds !

16

John Emerson 06.27.07 at 3:34 pm

He’s got some lips on him. Just imagine him eating a sausage, munching, making little grunting smacking sounds “Mmmmmmmmnnntsch!” as his false teeth wobble around in his mouth.

Perfesser Reynolds ain’t gonna be too happy with this here hate speech of ours, I reckon.

17

todd. 06.27.07 at 3:36 pm

Angie Harmon is a Republican? That ruins my day.

18

Marc 06.27.07 at 3:40 pm

Thompson is a hard-right candidate on the issues. Endless war in Iraq, global climate change is a myth, etc. Unadulterated Bush Republicanism. Somehow I suspect that women, like men, will find this more relevant than his alleged animal magnetism.

Not to mention his apparently well-deserved reputation as incredibly lazy, and being someone with no accomplishments at all in his brief Senate tenure.

19

Alex 06.27.07 at 3:41 pm

I suppose his trip to see Thatcher does suggest he might be willing to be nice to your senile elderly relatives.

20

John Emerson 06.27.07 at 3:54 pm

In sharp contrast to Thompson, Giuliani (along with Justice Rehnquist and ex.-Sen. Slade Gorton) has the reptilian lipless look. You imagine him slowly circling, his tongue flickering in and out, until finally he unhinges his lower jaw and engulfs his victim.

(Bush the First didn’t have much lip action either, which made his “Read My Lips!” line sorta silly — that’s what lost him the 1994 election.)

21

ajay 06.27.07 at 4:06 pm

First of all, are women voters, taken as a whole, really so much like retarded kittens in our motivations?

Well, voters in general often seem to be more or less that way, so, by deductive reasoning: yes.

Seriously, I think one could outline a lot of the political discourse of the last seven years with phrases like

IS IT CAN BE TAX CUT NOW PLS?

and

O NOES! MUSLIMZ!
DO NOT WANT!

22

Jon H 06.27.07 at 4:14 pm

“Let’s get the important things right: Jill Hennessy (‘Claire Kincaid’), obviously, not Angie H., though of course Jill was a bit earlier in the franchise.”

That’s a very tough decision to make. I’d be happy to referee a frank exchange of… views. Yes, views, that’s right. An exchange of rather intimate views. Between them. The ladies. Mentioned above.

23

Jon H 06.27.07 at 4:15 pm

Women loooove the way Thompson gums his steak.

24

abb1 06.27.07 at 4:20 pm

Without advanced Alzheimer’s he will never become Great Republican President. Although he could fake it, I suppose.

25

KCinDC 06.27.07 at 4:21 pm

Presumably Mrs. Thompson has been meeting with top-rank frumpification consultants, though there’s still going to be the problem of all the old photos.

26

Katherine 06.27.07 at 4:25 pm

Since a question has been asked about women voters, I’ll answer it as a woman voter. I personally am not like a retarded kitten in my voting motivation. Nor do I care for men who try to open doors for me and help me with my coat. I don’t particularly judge men on their strong hands either. But then, I am not just “a woman”, I’m an individual person. Morgan seems to be under the miscomprehension that because she likes something, therefore all women must like it. Screw you lady.

27

Katherine 06.27.07 at 4:27 pm

I’m not an American woman voter though of course, so my opinion matters not a jot for this one.

28

grackle 06.27.07 at 4:29 pm

“In sharp contrast to Thompson, Giuliani (along with Justice Rehnquist and ex.-Sen. Slade Gorton) has the reptilian lipless look.”

For some reason, I think this might apply particularly to Rehnquist now.

29

HK 06.27.07 at 4:34 pm

I suppose it’s a kind of equality to scrutinise the looks of male candidates unflatteringly, but wouldn’t it be better to just leave the whole issue alone as irrelevant?

However the quoted description of Thompson does make me want to throw up. I have never in my life considered a ‘soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold [me]’ as a significantly desirable quality in a potential life partner, let alone a politician.

30

spartikus 06.27.07 at 4:37 pm

Jill Hennessy: not a Republican

Not even American.

31

derek 06.27.07 at 4:53 pm

It’s the Republican Overton Window strategy applied to the relative hottness of presidential candidates. It is of course unthinkable to suppose that Bill Clinton or John Edwards are repulsive-looking creeps who drive women voters away, and it is unthinkable to suppose that Fred Thompson and Donald Rumsfeld are the pin-ups of any young woman today (or any time in the last thirty years). But that’s what Overton Window chatterers are for: they say patently, monstrously mendacious things to make their teammates sound realistic by comparison.

32

ajay 06.27.07 at 4:59 pm

I have never in my life considered a ‘soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold [me]’ as a significantly desirable quality in a potential life partner,

Yes, but you’re not a country and western singer.

I am quite proud of the fact that I thought “aha! that bimbo sounds like a country and western singer!” before I clicked through and read that she is, in fact, a country and western singer.

33

Josh R 06.27.07 at 5:13 pm

Wait…so people, and especially women, are supposed to vote for Fred Thompson because he’s attractive, but John Edwards’ good looks make him a sissy who won’t be able to stand up to our savage enemies?

34

Michael Bérubé 06.27.07 at 5:23 pm

Wait…so people, and especially women, are supposed to vote for Fred Thompson because he’s attractive, but John Edwards’ good looks make him a sissy who won’t be able to stand up to our savage enemies?

Yes.

But as for me, I don’t care how the candidates look. I care how they smell. And that’s why I’m voting for Romney.

35

phosphorious 06.27.07 at 5:47 pm

I’m going to suspend my judgement of Thompson’s “dreaminess” until I see him in a codpiece

That’s the true measure of presidential material.

36

alec 06.27.07 at 6:02 pm

37

Uncle Rameau 06.27.07 at 6:04 pm

Jill Hennessy has a twin sister, too, and they are both Canuckian.

Just sayin’…

38

roger 06.27.07 at 6:21 pm

The basset hound remark seals it: Belle is the great wit in the CT crowd – all others are effortlessly left behind. Bringing up a summer time pseudo-topic: why is it that the wittiest bloggers at the moment are all women? Belle and Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon rule the one liner roost.

39

Glenn Reynolds 06.27.07 at 6:43 pm

The stink of fear hangs over my poor liberal friends at Crooked Timber as they try to cast doubt on Fred Thompson’s manifest hunkiness.

40

Dr. Free-Ride 06.27.07 at 6:52 pm

I’ve got no love for Fred Thompson, but I must point out that there are good reason for women to support Skeletor.

I’m not sure whether Skeletor is a Republican, though.

41

ArC 06.27.07 at 7:21 pm

“I care how they smell.”

As Steve Benen pointed out last week, Chris Matthews vouched for Thompson’s odor. I would like to again call for scratch-and-sniff cards so all voters could make their own judgments rather than relying on secondhand reports, but I haven’t got much traction on this issue yet.

42

todd. 06.27.07 at 7:42 pm

Proving that thing about great minds, Colbert also compared Thompson to a basset hound last night. (video, though if only the sound works, click on “Alpha Dog – Thompson”).

The line was, “Apparently the ladies go for the basset hound mixed with some kind of grouper look.”

43

Uncle Kvetch 06.27.07 at 7:57 pm

I must pile on. Belle, that post was a thing of beauty.

While the pundits have managed to find some actual women to source their Fred admirings, I think it’s also transference of a male pundit Daddy complex that they don’t want to admit to onto a more plausible source.

P. O’Neill and Arc beat me to it: This “attractiveness” stuff is really about whoever gives Chris Matthews–who, for all intents and purposes, is a retarded kitten–the biggest stiffy.

I have to say that Thompson scares me more than any of the other Republican candidates, not because of this bizarre supposed sexiness, but because he’s the only candidate who isn’t obviously insane or espousing obviously insane policies.

Ginger, he hasn’t had the need to do so yet–but he will, he will.

I mean, just imagine what Thompson’s first debate with the other candidates will be like. Romney says something along the lines of “I’d nuke the Iranians, send their corpses to Gitmo, and then nuke Gitmo–in your FACE Giuliani you Christopher Street pansy!” Then it’s Thompson’s turn. What the hell is he going to do? Say “Well, maybe we could find a resolution to the problem that doesn’t involve military force”? Not in your wildest dreams.

The guy wants the nomination of a party that has gone insane. He’s going to have to get with the program.

44

markg8 06.27.07 at 8:26 pm

Thompson’s wife may be an accomplished lawyer/lobbyist herself but at 40 she is 4 years younger than his daughter of a earlier shotgun marriage. Oh and she dresses like I Dream of Jeanie’s evil twin.

And c’mon Thompson is as phony as the rest of them. In one of his ABC op-eds he was lamenting how modern universities including his own Vandy teach all kinds of PC sounding classes but no military history anymore. Trying to buff up his culture war cred I guess. The only problem is a blogger (No More Mr. Nice Blog?) looked up Vanderbilt’s spring catalog and they have all kinds of military history courses available and that doesn’t even include ROTC classes.

You’d think he’d factcheck these things people stick in front of him to sign but he is a Republican, why should he expect anybody else is going to either?

45

richard 06.27.07 at 9:20 pm

Are there any military historians who are not far-right lunatics?

Just askin’

46

Matt Kuzma 06.27.07 at 9:49 pm

Oh man, we’re not talking about mister “I’m not a politician but I play one in every movie or TV show ever”? I can picture the ads in a campaign betwee him and Obama now:

Fred Thompson or Barack Obama? Who’s the more American candidate?

47

Thomas 06.27.07 at 10:11 pm

I’m not anxious to have sex with Fred Thompson myself, and I don’t think that sexual attractiveness in itself is a particularly meaningful predictor of how women or men will vote (though qualities related to or associated with it (eg, charisma, vitality) might be). That said, the record does show that many attractive and accomplished women have been sexually attracted to Fred Thompson, whatever Belle thinks of him. Why? I confess I don’t understand it, but I suppose that it should offer hope to many men.

48

CalDem 06.27.07 at 10:20 pm

thing is, DC is a strange place, and it seems like there are quite a few men and women running around there who think power/gravitas=looks. so they get easily confused and think the rest of us are as confused as they are.

49

Rasselas 06.27.07 at 11:00 pm

45: John Keegan seems conservative in the sense of “square” and Tory, but he’s always seemed sane. Perhaps that is a misimpression derived from the sympathy for the common (in both senses of the word) soldier that comes through The Face of Battle and The Mask of Command, despite the latter’s focus on the highest echelons.

50

Lester Hunt 06.28.07 at 12:36 am

I don’t find Fred sexually attractive either. There, I’ve said it.

51

Basharov 06.28.07 at 2:50 am

So I’m the only one who thought Serena was hot?

52

Brett 06.28.07 at 3:04 am

45: Check out the War Historian. The short answer is “yes”.

53

will u. 06.28.07 at 3:56 am

The eXile’s War Nerd is close enough..

54

Lee A. Arnold 06.28.07 at 5:53 am

From the looks of it, Thompson’s organization may have a Hollywood P.R. agent canny enough to avoid trashing Scarborough for his vile remark, by turning it instead into a humorous call to female Republican activists and getting a quote from Mosbacher no less, then planting it in the Murdoch Times.

Belle, I wouldn’t have thought Thompson “a lock for the Republican nomination,” as you write, but this is more deft than anything exhibited by their other candidates.

55

Bruce Baugh 06.28.07 at 6:46 am

Keegan is another 9/11 sanity casualty, alas. In recent years he’s been on about the Muslim peril and all in ways largely indistinguishable from any Bush or Blair flack. This doesn’t of course affect the real merits of his earlier works, it just means you should be careful in his recent writing.

56

Keith 06.29.07 at 1:15 pm

The whole media fawning over Republican Alpha Male posturing shows the deep rooted psychosexual kinks that many Republicans have for daddy/power trips. They’re pretty much getting on TV to talk about how they want to be dominated and spanked. It’s pretty unseemly.

57

W. Kiernan 06.29.07 at 4:16 pm

I hate that fucking teevee show. Hate hate hate hate. Hate everything about it. I’ve seen maybe a dozen episodes of it, and at first I only disliked it somewhat but the degree that I hate it has grown and grown so I’ll be damned if I’ll ever watch a thirteenth. Even Angie Harmon, as conventionally pretty as she is, pisses me off now because I associate her with that awful series.

As for Thompson himself, that bag of hot air, I saw that cigar-smoking-and-smirking act of his where he bitched about Michael Moore’s Sicko, and all I could think was “Jesus, what an idiot.”

58

richard 06.30.07 at 7:08 am

brett at 52: thanks for the site! I think it’s going to be very useful.

w. kiernan at 57: wherever Thompson goes he should be accompanied by that doom-laden clang. Ideally just as he starts to talk. Have you noticed that the whole franchise, which is obsessed with sexual predation, is run by Dick Wolf?

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