Meet the Press in Hell

by Kieran Healy on June 8, 2006

A “transcript”: from World O’Crap, with Tim Russert and panelists Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Satan (“Call me Bob”) and Jesus Christ. A taste:

*Russert*: Mr. Christ, what do you say to accusations that you’re opposed to fighting a battle to bring about the end of all life on Earth because you’re an Anti-Semite?

*Jesus*: Well, first of all, I’d like to point out that I myself am Jewish—

*Ann Coulter*: Yeah! Just like George Soros. Another Jew who somehow figured out a way to avoid crucifixion.

*Jesus*: I WAS crucified! (DISPLAYS WOUNDS IN HANDS)

*Michelle Malkin*: Why don’t people ask him more specific questions about the nails in his hands and feet? There are legitimate questions about whether or not they were self-inflicted wounds.

*Russert*: What do you mean self-inflicted? Are you suggesting Mr. Christ crucified himself on purpose?

*Michelle Malkin*: Did you read the book by Barabbas and the Golgotha Veterans for Truth? Some of the thieves who were actually crucified have made allegations that these were self-inflicted wounds.

*Jesus*: I did not NAIL MYSELF to the cross!



jet 06.08.06 at 9:44 pm

Funny you bring the subject up. Via the BBC:

Militant leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been killed, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki has announced.

“Today we have eliminated Zarqawi,” Mr Maliki said, sparking sustained applause. The US said he was killed in an air raid near Baquba.

The Jordanian-born leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq was considered the figurehead of the Sunni insurgency.

Al-Qaeda in Iraq has been blamed for scores of bombings that have killed hundreds of Shias and US forces.

His death does not mean either the Islamist al-Qaeda elements or nationalist fighters will give up, says the BBC News website’s world affairs correspondent, Paul Reynolds.

Indeed his removal might well bring about an explosion of revenge by his followers, he adds.

It’s almost as if they think killing Zarqawi was a bad thing. Something about making sure both sides are treated the exact same, I’m sure.


Kieran Healy 06.08.06 at 9:50 pm

Right, jet. In fact, it seems the BBC correspondent is closely following the lead of Tony Snow, the notoriously biased liberal White House Press Secretary:

Officials also decided to proceed carefully and not repeat mistakes of the past by referring to the killing as a turning point or an end to violence in Iraq, which is expected to, if anything, increase in coming days.

“There are no delusions that violence will dry up,” Mr. Snow said. “We wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a spike in violence as those who were Zarqawi’s charges say, ‘Look, we’re still a factor.’ “


Cryptic Ned 06.08.06 at 11:26 pm

Of all the trolls I’ve seen on various blogs, jet seems to be the most likely to be an actual paid Republican operative.

– Nobody ever agrees with what he has to say, ever. Not even conservatives.
– He never agrees with what anyone has said before him – not even agreeing with other conservatives, even when many previous conservatives have been saying similar things to each other. He always says some completely new thing, as if he’s been waiting for some tangentially related thread to say it in.
– He always uses talking points.
– He always tries to completely change the topic of the debate from a topic that favors Democrats to a topic that favors Republicans.
– He responds to every single thread that is remotely political, extremely reliably.
– He uses the same faux-polite, sarcastic tone of everybody on Fox News and talk radio.


Cryptic Ned 06.08.06 at 11:27 pm

Apparently typing “Enter” and starting the new line with a dash leads the commenting software to negate the fact that you typed “Enter”.

Time for bed.


john m. 06.09.06 at 2:21 am

Seeing as we’re being mean to Jet, I’d like to add that he (if indeed he is a he)also has a habit (tactic?) of posting comments in which words are strung together in apparent meaning but which, on further analysis, are either completely meaningless or irrelevant to the topic on hand. And no, I have no intention whatsoever of substantiating this with examples. Do your own research. If he is getting paid to post comments though, good for him. Such an eloquent waste of time should be rewarded somehow.


bad Jim 06.09.06 at 3:16 am

Okay, how about Jesus as Michael Jackson:

Russert: Thanks again for joining us on “Meet the Press.” Now, I want to get back to Jesus Christ

Jesus: Thank you, Tim. As I was

Russert: What do you say to those people who claim you’re a pedophile?

Jesus: What?!

Russert: I’d like to play a soundbite from—Jimmy, do we have that? I think it’s at Mark 10:14…

(JESUS ON MONITOR: “Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God.”)

Actually, though, I just wanted to pass along somebody else’s quip: the hardest thing about self-martyrdom is pounding in the last nail.


rea 06.09.06 at 6:44 am

Accepting at face value Mr. Christ’s claim to omnipotent godhood, very obviously he DID nail himself to that cross . . .


abb1 06.09.06 at 7:24 am

I got the impression that Tim Russert – with his book “Big Russ and Me: Father and Son–Lessons of Life” – is himself trying to impersonate Jesus a lil’ bit.


Ray 06.09.06 at 8:07 am

“So, let me see if I follow. You’re an omnipotent being, you can walk on water and bring the dead back to life, you can flood the world or part the sea, you made their be light and you separated the heavens from the earth… but you couldn’t stop these guys from nailing you to a cross? What kind of sick pervert are you anyway?”


james 06.09.06 at 11:04 am

ray’s comment is a perfect example of why religous satyre is never really fuuny.


Ray 06.09.06 at 11:13 am

I know, it’s the old problem of satire being unable to keep up with reality (or ‘reality’).
Once you get as far as “You’re an omnipotent being, you can walk on water and bring the dead back to life, you can flood the world or part the sea, you made there be light and you separated the heavens from the earth…” it’s hard to find something more ridiculous to end the sentence with.


abb1 06.09.06 at 11:31 am

That was his father who separated heavens from the earth. The guy himself didn’t do anything so spectacular. One dead raised, water turned into wine – all small-time stuff. Walking on water – they now say that sometimes under certain conditions lake Kinneret is covered by thin layer of ice that can hold a man. Siegfried and Roy could’ve done it all; well, probably even Penn & Teller for that matter.


jet 06.09.06 at 11:44 am

You put up a post mocking the media for being crappy and on the day one of the most despicable humans in the media is permanently restrained from orchestrating school bus massacres and other terrorist type endeavors, the famous Paul Reynolds does his best to rain on everyone’s parade. He wasn’t alone, ABC making sure Nicholas Berg’s dad got some airtime saying how wrong it was to kill Zarqawi and other such bemoaning Zarqawi’s death in the media. In other words, it was a good day to mock the media. I mean, get a grip, doesn’t your linked article start out like this

Imagine if you will a network news program where the host believes that his obligation as a journalist is to place evil on the same footing as good (so that evil will stop complaining about how the media always favors good).

For some reason I didn’t think my comment conflicted with your post, rather it complemented it.


goatchowder 06.09.06 at 12:02 pm

“…on the day one of the most despicable humans in the media…”

Wow, I’m glad that even jet denounces Ann Coulter.


g 06.09.06 at 1:05 pm

abb1, would it be possible to row a boat on a lake covered in ice thick enough to take a man’s weight?


abb1 06.09.06 at 1:15 pm

would it be possible to row a boat on a lake covered in ice thick enough to take a man’s weight?


The New Testament story describes Jesus walking on water in the Sea of Galilee, but according to a study led by Florida State University Professor of Oceanography Doron Nof, it’s more likely that he walked on an isolated patch of floating ice.

A frozen patch floating on the surface of the small lake would have been difficult to distinguish from the unfrozen water surrounding it. The unfrozen water was comprised of the plumes resulting from salty springs situated along the lake’s western shore in Tabgha — an area where many archeological findings related to Jesus have been documented.

So, yes, I guess it would be possible.


Ray 06.09.06 at 2:35 pm

abb1, he is his dad. So he parted the sea, walked on water, sent himself down to earth, asked himself if he had to get himself killed, and now he sits at his own right hand. In some sort of revolving chair, I guess.
He’s also some sort of flying headless dove, apparently. I guess everyone has to find their kicks somewhere.


Ray 06.09.06 at 2:38 pm

Jet, the White House said Zarqawi’s death would lead to a spike in violence in the near future. Paul Reynolds said exactly the same thing. Why are you only criticising one of them?


abb1 06.09.06 at 3:09 pm

The ‘he is his dad’ thing always gets me confused.

Wait, the wikipedia has a nice little diagram here – apparently his is not his dad… You’re messing with my head, man…


Gar Lipow 06.09.06 at 5:51 pm

>”I believe in one God; I believe in three
>I’ll believe in twenty gods if they’ll believe in me.
>Thats a pact. Shake on that. No taking back!”


Tom Doyle 06.11.06 at 3:26 am

“Of all the trolls I’ve seen on various blogs, jet seems to be the most likely to be an actual paid Republican operative.”

A dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

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