Oh, sure, they’ve been thinking about the whole bird flu thing. But what about zombies?
“When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel,” [Pittsburgh Mayor Tom] Murphy said. “Who’s in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who’s going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we’d all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday.”
I’m afraid it’s all too likely that zombie-preparedness has been neglected in New Orleans, especially given former FEMA head Brown’s focus on tasty food—other than human brains.
At 11:20 a.m. Aug. 31, Bahamonde e-mailed Brown, “Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical . . . thousands gathering in the streets with no food or water . . . estimates are many will die within hours.”
At 2:27 p.m., however, Brown press secretary Sharon Worthy wrote colleagues to schedule an interview for Brown on MSNBC’s “Scarborough Country” and to give him more time to eat dinner because Baton Rouge restaurants were getting busy: “He needs much more that 20 or 30 minutes.”
I was born in Savannah, GA, and raised just outside the city; I spent many a happy childhood hour playing on the various above-ground crypts which enhance the picturesque nature of the city. You can bet your life we were armed to the teeth against possible zombie intrusions. Wait, maybe that was just the paranoia talking after my parents were in on that big shipment of DMT from out west when I was a kid. When my mom woke up still tripping on the third day, stuttering things like “wheels of fire…wheels within wheels…” I knew things were bad. But by then I could totally make pancakes and stuff, so me and my 3-year-old brother were fine. Wait, what was I saying? Yeah. Zombie preparedeness. Don’t rely on the government. Y’all are going to be on your own. Mmmmm, braaiins. It makes the pain go away. The pain of being dead.
{ 26 comments }
Steve LaBonne 10.21.05 at 8:58 am
Why would Dubya worry about zombies? Your brain can’t be eaten if you ain’t got one.
Keith 10.21.05 at 9:03 am
My wife and I live in Savannah. Though you won’t hear about it in the MSM, we’ve already had zombie outbreaks down here. I think they all voted Republican.
save_the_rustbelt 10.21.05 at 9:55 am
If you are going to borrow quotes from The Onion please give credit where due.
Pittsburgh has nothing to fear, all of the zombies are in the Whitehouse.
foo 10.21.05 at 10:01 am
Doesn’t a hyperlink qualify as “credit” these days?
John Emerson 10.21.05 at 10:32 am
Perhaps ogged has joined the undead now, and is prowling for brains.
Matt Weiner 10.21.05 at 10:42 am
Standpipe said that would happen.
Adam Kotsko 10.21.05 at 10:49 am
This should become an Unfogged thread.
I disagree with the entire premise of this thread, by the way. A zombie attack would be good for the economy. It would lessen our dependance on foreign oil, primarily.
Bill Gardner 10.21.05 at 12:18 pm
‘Prepared’?
They are already among us!
washerdreyer 10.21.05 at 12:32 pm
So many people seem to be fiending for their Unfogged fix.
John Emerson 10.21.05 at 12:38 pm
Ogged is going to lose a lot of the all-important blog market share.
Will he ever get it back? Will Unfogged ever recover? Does he care?
Tune in tomorrow.
Steve 10.21.05 at 12:58 pm
“At 11:20 a.m. Aug. 31, Bahamonde e-mailed Brown, “Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical . . . thousands gathering in the streets with no food or water . . . estimates are many will die within hours.—
An obvious exaggeration, given their immediate zest for cannibalism. Oh, wait. It wasn’t that bad. And it wasn’t true. (and die within hours of starvation? Has Bahamonde ever actually met a human being?).
Steve
alex 10.21.05 at 1:15 pm
Just for fun, try googling “zombie contingency plans”.
John Emerson 10.21.05 at 1:59 pm
Is there an analytic-philosophy debate on the ethics of cannibalism? Supposing that, e.g., a healthy, non-toxic accident victim had signed a donor card authorizing cannibalization of his body, would that be morally wrong? On what principle would it be wrong?
It would seem that some metaethical theories leave no way to say that it would be wrong. Are those bad metaethical theories, or is cannibalism less objectionable than people think.
The recent case of voluntary being-cannibalized in Germany doesn’t fit my argument, since voluntary being-murdered was also involved. (However, that case did tell us one important thing: when cooking penises, use the recipe for tongue. You can’t just fry them up.)
romero 10.21.05 at 4:16 pm
Learn how to protect yourselves now. The levies breaking story was just a coverup of the zombie massacre resulting from Hurricane Katrina washing up waterlogged zombies from the bottom of the Carribean. Get your copy of the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks today if you want to survive the coming months.
Tim 10.21.05 at 4:49 pm
The conditions that people like to die from (revealed preference here, based on the way we treat ourselves medically) leave us in a lousy condition to be eaten. Old and/or sick, in other words.
Yet another virtue of exit by massive heart attack.
Doctor Slack 10.21.05 at 5:57 pm
I disagree with the entire premise of this thread, by the way. A zombie attack would be good for the economy.
Many recent studies have also shown that people who keep a domestic zombie or two chained in their basement actually live happier, more fulfilled lives*. Perhaps zombies could even become a crucial alternative source of schadenfreude in the era of Peak Pony.
(* No, I’m not going to tell you which studies. If you have to ask, you’ll never know.)
jim 10.21.05 at 6:01 pm
A donation based series of three zombie books. I loved them, couldn’t stop reading.
http://www.brokentype.com/monster/
John Emerson 10.21.05 at 6:09 pm
Like the organ-donor, the cannibal-donor normally would be young, healthy, and dead in an accident. Think of it as a “large-muscle organ donation.”
Luc 10.21.05 at 6:31 pm
Zombies everywhere, Westminster edition.
Backing Blair VI – Not Over By A Long Shot
Featuring Tony Blair, spicy brains and the Partridge Family.
ben wolfson 10.21.05 at 7:13 pm
Didn’t the economy of Europe improve after the Black Plague? Maybe a zombie attack would be like that.
I think it would actually lead to a (hopefully temporary) upswing in dependence on foreign oil, though, as once more-or-less self-sufficient communities, having been decimated or worse, would have to engage in more inter-community travel.
bago 10.21.05 at 7:49 pm
Are you sure it wasn’t AMT?
Matt_C 10.21.05 at 10:56 pm
Shoot them in the head!
ben wolfson 10.22.05 at 1:05 am
Acid Mothers Temple?
soru 10.22.05 at 4:10 am
Didn’t the economy of Europe improve after the Black Plague? Maybe a zombie attack would be like that
Maybe in the long run, but there are a lot of transitional costs.
You can do your part by buying some Zombaid merchandise: http://www.cafepress.com/flippin_sweet/553102
soru
washerdreyer 10.22.05 at 1:43 pm
Alternative minimum tax?
ajay 10.24.05 at 4:31 am
I think it would actually lead to a (hopefully temporary) upswing in dependence on foreign oil, though, as once more-or-less self-sufficient communities, having been decimated or worse, would have to engage in more inter-community travel.
Ah, there would be more travel per surviving person, but surely there would be many fewer people (the rest having been devoured) and thus less overall oil demand.
Plus, other authors have speculated (Romero, 2005, passim) that survivors would congregate in a few locations for ease of defence and mutual support – the more likely setup would be a few fortified cities of hundreds of thousands each, rather than a large number of small settlements, each in the ruins of a larger city, of a few thousand each.
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