The most important news source after the World Tribune

by Ted on September 5, 2003

I’d like to point out that if you’re not reading the “Pointless Waste of Time” Newsskim, you’re missing out.


…says scientists after discovering what NASA has labelled “God’s Flyswatter.”

All nine Democratic Presidential candidates have held press conferences blasting President Bush for leaving the Earth vulnerable and “naked in the dark Detroit alley of the cosmos,” (John Kerry) and for “transforming the planet – through a series of irresponsible tax cuts for the rich – into a virtual Meteor Magnet,” (Howard Dean).

The Bush Administration, meanwhile, has assembled a $60 billion emergency task force made up of NASA and military officials to devise a way to deflect the oncoming Democratic criticism. Their first pro-Bush advertisements are expected to be deployed by Spring of 2004.

Action star Charles Bronson died of pneumonia over the weekend to the delight of hack comics everywhere, who are now able to use the approximately 167,933 Death Wish play-on-word jokes they have been stockpiling for decades….

Subsequent performances in The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, The Battle of the Bulge and The Dirty Dozen cemented Bronson’s legacy as the ugliest man ever to have a camera pointed at him for the purposes of showing others for money. Acting without the benefit of a “Tom Cruise smile,” a “Brad Pitt chin” or even a “Kevin Spacey mild presentableness,” Bronson proved that a disturbingly ugly man can make it to the top in Hollywood, then die of pneumonia.

In other news, Kieran has previously noted that my pro-Stalin agenda has come under blistering attack. In my defense, I’d like to point out that fluffy bunnies are adorable.

All right, I’ve lowered the tone enough. Sorry.



Laura 09.05.03 at 4:17 am

Please, lower away.

Those bunnies are fabulous. I bet each of them takes longer to groom than me and my three closest friends combined. Which probably accounts for the surly looks on their faces.


Matt McIrvin 09.05.03 at 4:21 am

Those rabbits aren’t right.


susan ferrari 09.05.03 at 5:20 am

I find those rabbits vaguely horrifying, actually.


mattH 09.05.03 at 7:36 am

Thank you. I needed that.


Barry 09.05.03 at 12:16 pm

Judging from Bush’s past actions, it wouldn’t be Spring 2004, it’d be October, 2004. That way there’d be time for the triumphant pictures, headlines, and articles which were quotes of administration announcements. There’d be no time for any criticism to hit the press (actually, there would be, but not for the SCLM), except for Krugman, who’d be denounced as shrill, but who would be proven right.


Anthony 09.05.03 at 2:09 pm

Adorable? No. Freakish? Unsettling? Downright wrong? Yes.
Stalin used to wear them as slippers.


clew 09.05.03 at 6:30 pm

I can’t find an online reference, but one of the county fair standard exhibits is “spinning off the rabbit” – you can pluck enough loose hair off an angora rabbit to spin yarn directly.

The spinners say they usually groom the rabbits that way; they just have a spindle per bunny, and fill it with the day’s loose hair every other day or so. Bunny happy, yarn produced, all well.

They do have to keep the rabbits in very cleanly conditions. Not as funny as expensive-wool sheep walking around in little adjustable vests to keep their wool clean.


andrew 09.08.03 at 9:21 am

I would love to see those bunnies at full hop.
And what exactly are the survival advantages conferred by such a display?
Do predators choke and cough the bunny back up?

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