The wisdom of rowdy, beer-soaked crowds

by Ted on August 18, 2004

In the brutally competitive, take-no-prisoners world of fantasy sports team managment, sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands. That’s when McSweeney’s guide to heckling might come in handy.

While you’re out and about in your town, try heckling some of the locals to build your confidence and work on your repertoire.

To the Mailman: “Karl Malone would be ashamed.”

To the Paperboy: “Who taught you how to throw? David Cassidy?”

To the Grocer: “This orange blows.”

To the Bank Clerk: “I can buy and sell you at will.”

To the Bus Driver: “Flunk out of chauffeur school?”

To the Ice-Cream-Truck Driver: “Flunk out of bus-driver school?”

To the Town Vampire: “Even I have bigger teeth. And you call yourself a reanimated corpse that has risen from the grave to suck the blood of the living? You suck. In a nonliteral, yet highly amusing, way.”

To the Waiter: “How’s that whole aspiring-to-be-an-actor thing going? Not good? At least you got your degree in …? Oh. I’m truly sorry. Can I get a refill?”



Tom T. 08.19.04 at 12:43 am

Those are funny to picture in practice. Trash-talking a waiter is an especially ballsy move. One never knows precisely with what he will refill your cup.


Ted Barlow 08.19.04 at 1:18 am

Personally, I absolutely love the image of heckling a grocer.


Barry 08.19.04 at 2:47 am

Beat me to it, Tom. One’s drink might have an interesting new flavor. ‘Interesting’, of course, in the sense of ‘highly disgusting’.

Comments on this entry are closed.